perfectly flawed

When I say I am sorry for not being the girl
you wish that I was
I am not apologizing for my free spirit
my blue eyes
my untainted honosty
i am not sorry for my journal entries
the countless pages where i spilled the truth from ballpoint pens
and scribbled broken hearts and painted wings
I am not sorry for
my laugh
or my songs
or my knee high boots
My bracelets my turqoiuse rings my twisted truthful toungue
My night time dancing
my day time doodling
my afternoon meditations and twilight kisses
My dreams or my sins or my soul
I am only sorry you can not see the beauty in those things
sorry for you because your eyes are shielded by rolex's and jaguars
Rehab and protein shakes
Blue pupils clouded by perfection and i am perfectly flawed but you can hug me anytime you like. you can always love me.
i will always love you.

i'm sorry for this poem.

smile wide while you shove that greasy American Dream into your perfect Crest mouth
smile that secret smile you save for short haired waitresses and curious passers by
the ones who think we are a lovely family
a charming combination
a pretty disaster in midriff bearing shirts
with umbrellas in our drinks and fingers crossed behind our backs while we swear we are happy
i love with a passion foreign to those manicured fingers
i love with a heart you shattered and mended and promised the world
i love with a love only she understands and only we share and im sorry if this poem breaks you or makes that tan face turn fuscia with anger and hurt but underneath this teenage angst
behind this stream of conciousness bullshit
hidden within these words that i am pounding on my keyboard
is love
is pain
is an apology
im sorry i wasnt good enough to be in all those pictures
im sorry i screamed lyrics too loudly in our overpriced paradise
im sorry i coulndt make you laugh on that choppy ocean water
sorry i coulndt smother you in sentences that made you feel complete
lies about how great our life would be
deceptions that would pollute my soul ive worked so hard to bring back to life with meditation, pad thai, Elton John
i can not be the girl you want to love because she is a fantasy
a blonde haired hypocrite who bites her tongue and hates the mirror and shaves much too often
i can not be her because she smiles when she wants to cry
and when she laughs
shes really screaming.

wisdom in her hands

Up till two last night reading Harry Potter and crying over fictional characters. Looking at old pictures of us and wanting to rip them to shreds but instead hiding them in old drawers to find on some rainy day when i dont still love you so much. Today i ate lettuce wraps and won ton soup with a wrinkled goddess i used to resent because she corrected my posture and critiqued my wild pink highlights. I used to eat fresh salted peanuts in her epic looking kitchen and buy her fanny packs covored with giraffs. I have fallen back in love with her because I am finally old enough to appreciate all those birthday cards and lunch dates. I can finally see the beauty behind her age and the wisdom in her carefully moisturized green tea smelling hands. I play her my music and restore her faith in this generation of chaos. i convince her we have morals and good taste in literature. i thank her for a wonderful afternoon and hug her like i mean it.
because i do.
Flashback to lying on your chest and watching Grease with my mom. My blue slippers were too big and made me slide accross our wooden floor. They led me into your toned freckled arms and I watched you chug a bitter tasting diet drink. I watched with wide eyes while i swung my legs and sat on the counter and prayed you woundt be angry if i went to the wedding escorted by the big brother i never had. If i sang hillbilly songs on a crowded reception floor and laughed a little too loudly at drunken jokes told by distant uncles. I hate when your lips get tight like that.

Live in Love.

i am home from hawaiin skies, coconut bras, perverted surf instructers, midnight cheescake, chinese room service, overpriced tanning lotion that makes my skin peel. i am home from trying to mend what should have never been broken. a family with gold necklaces and six kids. two rebels, two quiet eyed angels, two wild youngsters. i will not slander their love on the internet because i am not that girl they see me as. i love them when i bite my tongue and hold back words that i should probably scream. i love them when i stopped being a hypocrite and started accepting the father he has become. i loved those siblings when i didnt even get to say goodbye. i spent hours in an airport thinking of you and hopefully one day you will be able to forgive me. hopefully one day you will be able to see i didnt mean to throw you off that sea-do so many times. i didnt mean to mumble that profanity when i slammed the hotel room door. i didnt mean to take all those pictures of you when your face was so sad and you missed me the most. you sobbed into my lap in a dark neon limo and i made promises i didnt keep. promises about being a better sister. about holding you tighter and putting you first. i fucked them up and when you come back to Ohio darling im begging you to watch Gilmore Girls with me and let me tickle your tummy. please give me another chance.
things are starting over with her now. shes moving out and falling in love with a green eyed boy who knows the words to every song and promises her the world on long distance phone calls. she is breaking just like i broke but i will be right there with her through all those sleepless nights. nothings worse than shattering alone. I will take her to downtown shops and buy ankle bracelets that jingle when we walk. we played hide and go seek in Honolulu and a neverending game of charades while we waited on a plan that wasnt coming. we will make the best of this topsy turvy world because what else can we do? Live in Love.