i'm sorry for this poem.

smile wide while you shove that greasy American Dream into your perfect Crest mouth
smile that secret smile you save for short haired waitresses and curious passers by
the ones who think we are a lovely family
a charming combination
a pretty disaster in midriff bearing shirts
with umbrellas in our drinks and fingers crossed behind our backs while we swear we are happy
i love with a passion foreign to those manicured fingers
i love with a heart you shattered and mended and promised the world
i love with a love only she understands and only we share and im sorry if this poem breaks you or makes that tan face turn fuscia with anger and hurt but underneath this teenage angst
behind this stream of conciousness bullshit
hidden within these words that i am pounding on my keyboard
is love
is pain
is an apology
im sorry i wasnt good enough to be in all those pictures
im sorry i screamed lyrics too loudly in our overpriced paradise
im sorry i coulndt make you laugh on that choppy ocean water
sorry i coulndt smother you in sentences that made you feel complete
lies about how great our life would be
deceptions that would pollute my soul ive worked so hard to bring back to life with meditation, pad thai, Elton John
i can not be the girl you want to love because she is a fantasy
a blonde haired hypocrite who bites her tongue and hates the mirror and shaves much too often
i can not be her because she smiles when she wants to cry
and when she laughs
shes really screaming.

wisdom in her hands

Up till two last night reading Harry Potter and crying over fictional characters. Looking at old pictures of us and wanting to rip them to shreds but instead hiding them in old drawers to find on some rainy day when i dont still love you so much. Today i ate lettuce wraps and won ton soup with a wrinkled goddess i used to resent because she corrected my posture and critiqued my wild pink highlights. I used to eat fresh salted peanuts in her epic looking kitchen and buy her fanny packs covored with giraffs. I have fallen back in love with her because I am finally old enough to appreciate all those birthday cards and lunch dates. I can finally see the beauty behind her age and the wisdom in her carefully moisturized green tea smelling hands. I play her my music and restore her faith in this generation of chaos. i convince her we have morals and good taste in literature. i thank her for a wonderful afternoon and hug her like i mean it.
because i do.
Flashback to lying on your chest and watching Grease with my mom. My blue slippers were too big and made me slide accross our wooden floor. They led me into your toned freckled arms and I watched you chug a bitter tasting diet drink. I watched with wide eyes while i swung my legs and sat on the counter and prayed you woundt be angry if i went to the wedding escorted by the big brother i never had. If i sang hillbilly songs on a crowded reception floor and laughed a little too loudly at drunken jokes told by distant uncles. I hate when your lips get tight like that.

Live in Love.

i am home from hawaiin skies, coconut bras, perverted surf instructers, midnight cheescake, chinese room service, overpriced tanning lotion that makes my skin peel. i am home from trying to mend what should have never been broken. a family with gold necklaces and six kids. two rebels, two quiet eyed angels, two wild youngsters. i will not slander their love on the internet because i am not that girl they see me as. i love them when i bite my tongue and hold back words that i should probably scream. i love them when i stopped being a hypocrite and started accepting the father he has become. i loved those siblings when i didnt even get to say goodbye. i spent hours in an airport thinking of you and hopefully one day you will be able to forgive me. hopefully one day you will be able to see i didnt mean to throw you off that sea-do so many times. i didnt mean to mumble that profanity when i slammed the hotel room door. i didnt mean to take all those pictures of you when your face was so sad and you missed me the most. you sobbed into my lap in a dark neon limo and i made promises i didnt keep. promises about being a better sister. about holding you tighter and putting you first. i fucked them up and when you come back to Ohio darling im begging you to watch Gilmore Girls with me and let me tickle your tummy. please give me another chance.
things are starting over with her now. shes moving out and falling in love with a green eyed boy who knows the words to every song and promises her the world on long distance phone calls. she is breaking just like i broke but i will be right there with her through all those sleepless nights. nothings worse than shattering alone. I will take her to downtown shops and buy ankle bracelets that jingle when we walk. we played hide and go seek in Honolulu and a neverending game of charades while we waited on a plan that wasnt coming. we will make the best of this topsy turvy world because what else can we do? Live in Love.

days when i love the world.

This morning I cried into a chocolate birthday cake after the batter made messy art on the kitchen counter. I cried because I'm leaving him and her and them and I'm scared and excited and bloated and sometimes I dont feel beautiful enough to be in their family photos. I cried because I still can't sleep at night and my dog ate my retainer and as much as I want to change the world I'm still just sixteen damnit. I can't drive and my life dreams of being a famous performer are dimming fast. Flickering under a lampshade somewhere because too many people have laughed when I told them one day i would be a star. I don't want to sell myself to suburbia. I don't want to surrender to Ohio. This is not my kind of place to fall in love.
But while I'm here, I will love as deeply as I can. I will dream of downtown vintage stores and spicey food and acoustic guitars. I will write about the hobos and the gypsys and the dreamers. I will make magic wands for blonde haired girls who don't know how adored they are and decorate Altoids boxes with confetti stars and rose petals. I will covor this suburbia in glitter and wonder and magic.
I will bewitch myself with all this overlooked beauty. The beauty of the small things-
the grocery stores and hand holdings. The first kisses and denim overalls and muggy summer days when cookie dough ice cream has melted on some concrete sidewalk in the neighborhood down the street. The high school hell and prom songs and hugs from your grandpa when he gets home from Ireland and he smells like first class.
Or even the beauty of days like today. Days where I wake up and my sister is hugging my waste and the house is buzzing with Carol King and my birthday cake is a beautiful disaster. Days where he kisses me softly for what I'm terrified will be the last time before I fly away. Days where we walk hand in hand down a gravel road next to an old convent and the sun sets and the wind blows and for one moment i know exactly how blue my eyes are. Days where I have so much ahead and so much behind and so much right now right here that I can hardly breathe.
Days when I love the world.

I fear hitch-hikers, blue eyes, and promises. Deserted movie theaters and bad fathers. Lonely winter nights when the hallways are creaking and you can't see out your window. Pale passionless faces and wedding vows.

Love is my enemy. I hate love and I love love and I have willingly given far too much of my heart to that twofaced emotion that promises eternity and leaves you with NOTHING.

My worst subjects are Handling Hearts and Standing Up for Myself 101. I am failing miserably though i enrolled myself in both of these classes. I enlisted in desperate hopes of becoming strong.

My teachers are middle aged hippies, a homosexual with a crown on her head and art spilling from her fingers, blonde haired heroine who slays vampires on day time TV, round bellied buddha with a childs smile. They educate me through heartache and adventure and meditation. They they hold my hand when the world collapses.

I feed my mind with Kashi bars, green tea, pad thai, chocolate covored raisins, and strawberry smoothies.

My universe is coral colored with flashes of yellow and orange that ignite nights when the stars refuse to shine.

This is a glimpse of my world,

---> these are pieces of my TRUTH.

While I watched my sweat drip on an overpriced elliptical machine you texted me. Reminded me of Moulin Rouge duets and all those times i promised to teach you to meditate. Forced me to run until i was gasping for breath and i still could not escape you.

So i admitted I missed you and told you goodbye. I crouched on a sunlit curbside in silver aviators and cutoff shorts and waited for something better to come and drive me away from your dizzy dreamland that couldnt last.

Funny how I fall for boys with sick dogs and a passion for thai food. This new song singer took me to an ethnic hideaway with blue shutters and butterscotch mints. He told me he wants to take care of me and make me happy but I'm not ready to believe him.

Not yet.

He tries to touch my unshaven legs and tells me I intimidate him from behind my brown glasses.

He honks at strangers and plays his music too loud.

He is just as tattered as I am. <3

I am more than content

Weeks and weeks since my last post and I'm sitting here feeling bloated in my sisters flannel pants- missing four rings from my hand that i accidentally left at his house that chaotic morning. It's strange to tell someone i love them again.

It's even stranger to mean it.

Fireworks lit up a summer sky right before the thunder cracked and I was sitting in a luke warm hot tub with three sisters i used to know so well. I am falling back into their world because part of me belongs there. We will fly to Hawaii with ipods full of new music and I will wave goodbye to my brown haired free style rapping boy toy and ask him to forgive me when I miss his birthday. I promise to help him blow out his candles after I have hulah danced on tourist beaches and laughed out loud in an island oasis.

I wish i had more to write but for now I can only tell you that this summer has brought me bittersweet independance and sloppy kisses that taste like BBQ sauce. It has brought me a freezing bedroom in the basement draped in silk scarves and army letters and a punishment i deserve. I lied to spend a night in those arms. To pretend I was a patriot and watch Star Wars with a hollister wearing college boy on the fourth of July. I lied and now I can't see those big brown eyes for weeks but i have countless seasons of Buffy on DVD to pass the time. I have a puppy who licks my cheek in the morning and a mother who steals my CDs and makes me chai tea when i need it the most. I have a best friend who knows all my favorite songs and who can sing them more in key than I ever will. I have a brother who hugs me tight around the waist and cries when i try to break away,

a sister i can tickle at midnight,

a free spirit no one will ever tie down.

I am more than content-

I am joyful.