so much more than you

Six AM alarm buzzing in my head as i brush pale pink blush onto my cheeks. I feel dizzy and pale and disoriented. Feeling my way around the bathroom but this churning in my stomach won't go away and even though these jeans she let me borrow fit just right i don't think ill be able to make it to school.
lying in bed watching Somethings Gotta Give and imagining what life will be like someday when I'm old. When my skin isn't smoothe and my laugh lines sink in. When my eyes sparkle with secerets that only come from extra years in the universe. I have decided I will laugh often, love loudly, grow my hair down to my waist. Blonde and grey waves with daiseys woven into that mess of luscious locks. I will shop at flea markets and tell stories. I will learn to play the piano and cook thai food for my neighbors. I will embrace every wrinkle time has painted on my face.
I always get sick on the truely beautiful days. Yesterday i went job hunting with a beautiful brunette and got interviewed for a resteraunt i would never eat at- let alone serve. A large woman with a hair lip and mini-fro asks me about my past experience and i can never picture myself in one of those turqious button downs. So i thank her for her time and buy him a slice of cheesecake. I lie sleepily on his shoulder and resist kissing him when he drops me off a half hour late. yes, i am getting stronger.
tonight he will go party at a club with his frineds and probably call to tell me about how much he loves me. tommorow he will mumble that he doesnt remember anything and make an excuse to hang up. i'm breaking this cycle before it starts again. i'm buying new CDs and stopping myself from sleeping in his oversized hollister sweatshirt. i'm breathing and living for this moment, not tonights or tommorows. a universe revolving around a pretty boy is a universe full of catastrophe and heartache and darling
i am living for so much more than you.