sweet sweet summer

i havent written in so long but this summer is so sweet and toxic and wonderfully fucked up it would be a crime not to capture in it poetry and run on scentences.

last night i danced around in a victorias seceret bikini and laughed. and laughed. and laughed. and when the night got too heavy and sleep took me over i dreamt of the way your omelets tasted two weeks ago when you cooked them just for me. this morning brought floppy microwave pancakes and a stupid fight with my brown haired boyfriend in the Wendys parking lot. i hung up on you and swore i woulndt call back but my fingers had a mind of thier own and i texted you for the next two hours. my fingers are a slave to my heart and my heart is a slave to you. but you know that by now. soon i will be meeting you for greek food and sweating my ass off in this peace sign baseball cap but it will be worth it when you kiss me on the forehead and tell me all is forgiven. by friday we will be on a plane to the city i will call my home one day and i can't wait to see the way the lights of times square reflect in your eyes. I can't wait to hold your hand and skip down the streets of New York. can't wait to eat ungodly hot dogs and steaming pad thai. can't wait to kiss you on the subway. i wish i could say you were as excited as me but the truth is you're not- now its your turn to be seduced by the big apple.

summer has turned my pasty skin into a golden brown. i've replaced shiney lip gloss with cherry flavored chapstick. it doesnt smear when i plant a big one on you after you catch a cicada or canon ball into the pool out back. my once blonde hair is even blonder. it shines in the Ohio sun and whips into my eyes when we cruise down the street with the windows down. now that its summer again you say my eyes are blue instead of grey.
i think your wrong
i think they were blue all along. <3

Worth The Ride

April is finally here and oh it is so different from the spring i blossomed in last year. When i was a Junior and the blonde haired Ken doll everyone adored so much painted on my window- asking me to prom in red letters with a heart by his name. I was short haired and tan and smiling every second because my teethe were no longer imprisoned by bitter tasting braces. I was fresh from quiet Idaho and bursting with poetry. I am still this girl. My hair is longer and my tan has faded but my poetry still flows and my heart beats to the same rythems. The only difference is that that blonde haired hypocrite is lightyears away from me now and yes, I cried last night when he told me to leave him the fuck alone but while my tears seeped into my pillow my beautiful boyfriend soothed me with white raggae rapping and quiet I Love You's. He let me cry until the Sudafed kicked in and I exploded into sleep.
I dreamed of our Spring Break. Of the way you smiled at me as we crossed the state line into Florida. Of the Ooohs and Aaaahs we whispered while we drove past our first palm tree. Of the six hundred twenty seven pictures i snapped of you and me and our painfully pretty friends that painted Panama twenty different shades of wild. I let my blonde hair flow loose under a cowboy hat that matched yours. We bought them at a cheap surf shop along with sleezy tee shirts and overpriced water bottles. When we kissed our straw hats collided and sang with scratchy bliss. Your lips were chapped and tasted like salt water and oh, I have never felt so head over heels. You picked out the black dress I wore to that expensive restaraunt. Stared at me until I felt like I was worth staring at. Held my hand while we walked those Panama streets and squeezed it at all the right moments. Our dinner was charming darling but you know I couldnt wait to go back to the room and throw on my gangsta hat. Slip my feet into your Timberlands and freestyle with your frineds. They are shaking their heads and laughing and you just hug my crazy body and tell me you think its cute I don't care what anyone thinks.
Why would I?
I already have everything I need.
But those Florida nights are miles from me now. We left them behind when we got lost on an endless Alabama road. It was the hottest day all week and the four of us were crammed into your Abercrombie smelling Audi- singing Lynard Skynard and Kenny Chesney, Backstreet Boys and Lil Wayne. Windows down, radio up, cowboy hats on, purple toenails bouncing in the breeze as they dangled out my window. Those sixteen hours were long baby,
but it was worth the ride.

Ready for Spring

The snow is melting and I'm thanking God because I'm tired of bundling up in all these mismatched layers. I'm ready to trade my thick, striped scarves for paisley ribbons and flip flops. I'm ready to sip on pink lemonade and lather my skin with coconut scented lotion. This is the spring that I am starved for.
Yesterday we played in the snow and you told me I bring out the kid in you. Blonde pigtails peeked out from under my red and black hat but by the time we made it inside my hair was soaked and my hat was lopsided. A 6 foot college boy made snow angels with me and his black dog named Lucy. It was beautiful and while I craved my camera it was so much easier to tackle you without that Sony in my hands. When our fingers were numb and our boots filled with snow we retreated to the warmth of your house and cooked hot chocolate. There were no marshmellows so we picked out hearts and stars and rainbows from your box of Lucky Charms.
Sitting on your plaid couch and watching Quinten Tarantino flicks. You'd never take me for a gory girl but oh how I love all that bloody action. After Death Proof and Planet Terror my eyes were growing heavy and my hot chocolate wasn't so hot. I count the freckles on your arms until I fall asleep and thank God you know just the right way to hug me because your basement is freezing and my socks are still drenched.
When you finally take me home I chew on minty melatonin and look at all the black n white pictures you took of us on my laptop. You trying desperatly to look like a hard ass. Me throwing peace signs and making fish faces. Both of us laughing. and laughing. and laughing.
I slept like a baby but my dreams were filled with nerf gun wars and cotton candy. Bizzare, I know. My dreams aren't better than my reality anymore. <3

Natural Disasters

Yesterday started out with fat free smoothies and pudding cups on the couch. I laid back in the recliner and watched the style network while everyone else went to school. I waited for snow and licked low cal pudding off my fingers and wiggled my toes in my fuzzy No-Slip red socks. When it finally started snowing a beautiful blonde that could be my sister picked me up and took me to get smoothies. Low fat strawberry goodness that wound up to be a mistake because i forgot my gloves and while it tastes like heaven coffee would have been so much warmer on this winter day. We avoided school and talked about love and beaches and high school bullshit until we snapped back to reality and looked at the clock. Second period was over and it was time to apply ourselves, time to admit there would be no snow day for these desperate spring-hungry seniors.
We took our time walking to class, stopping at lockers and shuffling our wet Ugg boots with ease. When we finally said goodbye I was alone and my footsteps echoed on the pastel colored tiles. This hallway will be swimming with teenagers in the middle of an identity crisis in a few minutes. It will smell like body odor and expensive perfume and fund raiser chocolate. It will be loud and hot and chaotic but for now it is mine. and it is quiet. and it is empty. and it smells like the shampoo at my grandmas house. so i will savor each footstep and swing my arms through that empty hall. All this lovely silence is only t.e.m.p.o.r.a.r.y.
Finally in forensics and for once I paid attention instead of doodling poetry on my hand. We talked about natural disasters and liability clauses and preventable deaths. We talked about tragedy like it was this distant faraway thing that could never touch us in our suburban fishbowl of safety. We are comfortable. We are invincible. We are untouchable. And deep down i think we all know,

that we are just fooling ourselves.

Tragedy can seep into the most clean cut universe and implode the most innocent hearts. Natural disasters happen naturally ANYWHERE. And while I will not live in ignorance I will also not live in fear. Because I believe in something bigger. something greater. something divine and nameless because my lips can't form a word for all that beauty. Something some call God, some call Love, all call upon when they are in need and on their knees and tired of desperation. Something not confined to religion, or country, or individual. Something that lives within each and every one of those confused looking sets of eyes i see day after day at my high school. It's that ease that overcomes me when I surrender to the world and know that everything is going to be alright. Everything is going to be as it should. Everything is out of my hands and that lack of control is a GLORIOUS thing. It means that all i have to do is
LIVE IN LOVE.
Nothing more. Nothing less.

After forensics the snow started to pour. Our world was coated in white and oh, it was so beautiful. But that beauty was bitter as we walked to our cars in that arctic parking lot. I couldn't breathe without swallowing snowflakes and your car door was frozen shut. I grabbed out with both hands and yanked on the handle until the ice cracked and snow fell onto my seat. We laughed and wiped it off. We drove and talked more about the scruffy faced loser every girl used to lust after. Now he is just another cocky ass hole heartbreaker and to tell you the truth
I'm not surprised.
It was only a matter of time before he realized you were too good for him. I just wish you could see it too. Stop wasting your brown eyes on someone who is blind.

On the drive home you tried to hit the breaks but the car wouldn't stop. Images flashed through my head, Alicia Keys videos about bloody loves saying goodbye in a hostpital bed and damn all that VH1 i watched this morning. I was texting my boyfriend while you were whispering "stop, stop, STOP" but we didn't stop and you could hear the crunch of metal on metal as we hit that SUV. You looked at me with an expression I've never seen before and I put my cell phone down. My hormonal boyfriend bitching came to a halt and I was suddenly filled with regret for the words i yelled at him while he sat in a college classroom. My screeching voice echoed through his phone and to tell you the truth
now i don't even remember what I was so upset about.
All my period bullshit became inconsequential and I was left with an utter appreciation for life and love and these are the mini natural disasters we avoid every day. The woman we hit was a long haired brunette but she only smiled and asked if we were okay. Thank Buddha for the friendly people still left in the world, I was anticipating furrowed brows and screaming about insurance. I'm glad I was wrong. <3

You and Your Penis Have It Easy

Right now I am sitting in bed with my legs crossed trying not to cry. I just got off the phone with you and the persons voice that should have soothed me the most only filled me with these murderous tears that are teetering so dangerously on the edges of my eyes. Last Saturday you told me that my eyes get greyer in the winter, but in the summer they are blue. I have been staring at myself in the mirror ever since in critical evaluation. No one wants winter eyes.
Today I am bloated and cranky and groggy and awful. My bad vibes are pulsing and waving and infecting everyone around me so it's safer to sit in this little room with the snow white lamp and pound away into my laptop- i don't want to spread this kind of miserable Wednesday virus around. Not even Hannah Montana in the minivan with my mom could help me today and I'm thinking it's time to meditate again. You will be here soon in your loud ass car with your death stick and your smart ass comments i usually adore but I am dreading today. I could snap at any minute because I am insecure and exhausted and just praying for someone to drench in all this menstrual depression. One wrong move and it could be you and I don't want to spend all next week apologizing for the thoughtless words my period brought me.
And oh, you are the lucky one. The broad chested love of mine who will never know the agony of changing a tampon or buckling over in choir because your cramps hurt too bad to hit the high notes. You will never know the overwhelming self doubt you feel when you have to suck in to fit into your favorite jeans because your stomach is busting with water and chocolate bars from your last emotional breakdown. No, you can sit back and laugh at me when I cry because of that final episode of Party of Five. You can call me whiney when I need you to offer to hold me more than anything in the world. Because that's all I need right now. Compassion, understanding, and hell, this may be stretching it, but maybe even a little bit of sympathy. Because honey, you and your penis,
YOU HAVE IT EASY.
You should be praising me for the hell that I skip through. I do not fall off the face of the planet when that special time of the month decides to grace me with its presence. I go to first bell at seven fifteen. I eat chicken fajitas with tan beauties and talk about spring break. I make websites and poetry and go to yoga classes at the gym. I live my life. I try to spread love.

And I do all of it while bleeding out of my vagina and smiling.
Now tell me
have YOU ever done that?


I didn't think so.
So before you start to rag on me for my slight bad moodiness,
look between your legs honey, and thank God you don't have a uterus.

escape from this winter

We got two days of beauty before the storm came again. Before the rains blew over Ohio and turned all our perfectly mowed lawns into brown puddles. Yesterday we drove with the windows down. I sat in the car with two beautiful girls and sang. and sang. and sang. I threw my hand out the window and felt the wind whip through all this dirty blonde hair. The sun was shining and my body was screaming for summer.
We ate chili and pretzels at McCalisters while we talked more about the scruffy faced asshole who broke her. He would trade three years for a pretty mouth in a pea coat and I'm sorry but you are pathetic. Now she is free and one day she will see that she is so much better off without you. The days to come will bring loneliness and I know all this Tuesday rain isn't helping but just wait darling. I promise
THERE WILL BE MORE SUNNY DAYS.
Just put on some Billy Joel and let the lullaby from your windshield whippers croon you off to sleep until spring decides to show it's lovely face again. Until you can laugh like you used to without wondering if he's with her. Until you can wear capris and flip flops. Heartache hurts so much less under the sunshine. <3
Days are dragging again. Last night we watched Dane Cook and ate pasta and I miss him everytime I hear his car drive away but oh, sleep is so wonderful and I'm drinking it up because I don't get nearly enough of it these days. I spent my day at school avoiding the art teacher with bags under her eyes and doodling on my hand. Writing reminders about keeping good karma on my wrist and yawning until the bell rings and I can go back to my grandmas for diet coke and Lifetime movies. I am more than ready to escape from this winter.

Knowing That I'm Right

This was a snowy week of loving you and sleeping in. We slid down ice covered roads to your sweet smelling car. Wore matching trucker hats and bought one dollar movies. The kind filled with busty blondes and bloody torcher scenes. The kind that gives you nightmares and makes you scared of the world.

The three of us sprawled out on your couch Thursday night. Ate cheese It's with Tobasco sauce until I fell asleep and woke up alone. You had tucked in my feet while I napped the day away so my toes didn't get cold. Me and your newfound best friend sloshed through the dirt covored snow while you were gone. Our hair was damp against our foreheads, our fingers jammed into our pockets, but we fought that bitter cold with warm conversatin and dreams of independance.

When you got home you cringed as I threw my wet body on your chest. I was soggy with snow, gorgeously disgusting. Smeared eyeliner on beige cheeks. A pink nose and unbrushed teethe. Hours from now I will be sparkling clean with a Crest white smile and leopard print sweater but for now I am a disaster and you love me anyways. You love me when I try to rap on youtube even though I'm white. Yu love me when my breath smells like BBQ. You love me when I lick my fingers in nice resteraunts and leave you 20 minute voicemails. YOu love me when I'm knocked down, fucked up, tired of the universe. When I'm a total nerd, a liberal minded hippie, an artist with ADD. You love me when I can't look in the mirror because I'm tired of my eyes, and just when I start to forget,
you remind me of how blue they are.
This is why I talk about you in Muliticultural Literature
and Entrepreneurs in Action
and Choir
and Math.

This is why I've traded knee high boots for tie dye sweatpants and a UC Tee shirt. This is why when blonde haired football players tell me you'll break my heart again I can tell them that they're wrong.
No amount of homemade calenders or late night facebook messages can thank you for that,
because nothing feels better than telling them they're wrong.
Nothing feels better than knowing that I'm right.