Achings.

Every day a new ache.
an ache to hold you ache to be rid of you ache to slap you and kiss you and forget you. ache to find new songs to play over and over on the way to school. i am tired of this worn out soundtrack, sad angry melodies and chorus's that swim around in my head until third bell when i laugh them all away. You start college today and I know i shouldn't but I'm thinking about you. Wondering if that new world will change you. Wondering who will sit next to you, what you will learn, where your life will take you when i finally find the strength to say goodbye and refuse to be a part of it. I have talked to girls who loved boys like you. Girls who got sucked into a universe where space and time and boundaries cease to exist because of a pair of brown promising eyes. Girls who cry in their dimly lit rooms and don't even want to call their best friend because they wish they were over you.Girls that hold on because it is so much easier to accept that 'i love you' at the end of the day than it is to break free and find someone that treats them with all the sweetness they deserve.
It is so much easier to pretend that his lips don't taste like unsaid words.
It is so much easier to let him slip a corsage around my wrist and slow dance the night away like we planned. But in the end i will be dizzy with too many disturbing deceptions whispered in the name of what we wished was love. And yes, i do still love you. but i will not be one of those girls for much longer. i will buy ice cold yohoos for blonde haired football players who are becoming my best buds again.i will get smoothies with my beautiful friends and start to love my body again. you claim to LOVE me, but if you loved me you would make goodbye easy. you would stay out of my life because it is much too hard for me to let you go when you keep calling and reminding me of those summer nights. you would hug me for the last time and let me find the passion that i deserve but i am bracing myself for angry words and bitter phone calls. i am getting ready for hell but after it's over darling i will walk confidently into the heaven only a single seveteen year old girl knows the secrets to. I will let my wings grow back and soar far away from all of this earth shattering emotion. These feelings are not wrong- they are just human. So I will let myself feel this pain,
but baby I'd be a fool to make myself suffer over you.
I talked to her on the phone for an hour last night and it's tragic but at least we can share these heartaches together. at least we are only a seven digit number away. at least i can nod understandingly while she cries and send her hugs from my faraway forest home. these disasterous boys will bring us together. <3