rasberries

Sour apple slices and ADD medication
Thick fog hanging on my bronzed shoulders and crocheted green scarf
Yawning and blinking blue eyes to life
I don’t want to see those high school halls but I know they are coming
Last night we ate at The Cheesecake Factory and revealed our dirty secrets over parmesan chicken and too much bread. We walked quickly around a deserted mall hunted for green eyed cuties and came up empty handed but oh, it was a lovely time.
This week is wearing me down.
I have been reading about wacky chicks in Paris and Milan who speak their minds and open cheap vintage boutiques in the center of the universe. They take off their makeup with tampons and dare to defy all those blonde haired beauty queens and bow-tied communists. They swim against the mainstream with a passion and take baths with Baking Soda. They collect iguanas and inspire the likes of Andy Warhol.
They would never let an asshole like you ruin their day.
And even when you told me you were with some brown haired sophomore,
I chose to be a wacky chick.
I chose to laugh in your face.
Go ahead; call me in a month from now. See if I remember how you used to smell.
See if I care about your apologies then.
I hope you’re happy,
But I’m sure you’re not.
Yesterday I sat in awe while a hobbling Holocaust survivor told her story in front of a hundred high schoolers in ironed pants and fuzzy red sweaters. She wiped her eyes and brought life the terror of her past. She made jokes about the return of Elvis and I laughed at the way her polish accent wrapped around pop culture references.
She told us about the selfless courage of an eighteen year old Jew. This stringy haired girl presented a dusty raspberry to her best friend on a leaf, and in my mind their world is black and white- maroon raspberry and green leaf the only color illuminated in a world drained of all color.
She represented all that was beautiful and her 83 year old skin told stories written in every pale wrinkle and saggy laugh line.
One day I will have a story to tell,
She did not make hers a tragedy- she made it an inspiration.
I refuse to live a tragedy when there are all these raspberries in the world.

ready for an adventure

Last night we decorated tie die tee shirts with cursive writeing in puffy paint and cheap plastic rhinestones. After an hour the floor was covored with glitter and I could barely keep my eyes open. I crawled into her bed and felt my face sink into her hypo-allergenic pillow. yes, sleep. i remmember what this feels like. six hours later we are rushing to get coffee. hot pink lipstick and blue glitter eyeliner. yes, we are seniors. yes, we love life. yes, our tee shirts are so much cooler than yours.
armed with lattes and early dismissal passes we floor it to school. first bell was a joke and second is even worse. I am restless and hungry for the world. I am dreaming of New York in the fall and all the pictures my camera is ready to take. I am fantasizing about the people i will meet, the journals i will fill, the freedom i will taste in a few endless months. they will fly by when all these pep rallies are done with but oh they are dragging by so so slowly now.
I have never been more ready for an adventure.

candy corn tummy ache

It has been so long since my last post.
Days have passed and my hair has grown and I have new favorite songs. Homecoming is in two days and my arms are tanned and silky and my stomach is full of candy corn. For some reason I can't seem to pass the purple bowl without grabbing two handfuls of edible pre-halloween joy. they leave me with cramps and regrets and soon i will do crunches on my cold bathroom floor
but oh, they taste so good.
Since my last post I have seen him,
and waved him away. I have thrown his sweatshirt into his glistening car window and avoided that gaze as I slammed the door to my best friends car and ajusted my Buddha tee shirt. Thank God my eyes looked blue that day. You threated me and texted me pictures of the money you owed me. "This is the closest you'll ever get to it."
Real classy,
grow up.
And now I have met new boys. Green eyed charmers with cheesy pickup lines that work at the mall. Dreadlocked band members singing in a window downtown. Spikey Haired Seniors who just got their braces off and love tacos. Broad chested skater boys who think I'm funny.
And still you call.
And still you text.
And last night i finally let your voice fill my phone.
I let you apologize. I let you promise me roses I will never smell. I let you ask about school, family, friends. I did not let you into my heart. I did not spill my emotions over a static phone line like i am so accustomed to doing when it comes to you. I gave you no rope to hold onto after you jumped into the light blue abyss of honesty and emotions. i let you say how you felt, acknowledged your guilt, and moved on. I politely loved you, with the kind of heart that has been used and recycled and reproduced stronger and thicker and worthy of someone more devoted than you.
And my fuzzy headed rebel boy worries that it has begun again. Worries I am as weak as I used to be, as susceptible to lovely promises and hazy apologies. He worries you will win me over with thai food and Guster. He worries I will fall back into you and that disaster that made my summer beautiful. I convinced him at 4:30 this morning that I am not his fool anymore. Before I hopped in the shower he texted me to tell me i was right,
i am strong.
i am smart.
i am independant.
and i do not
need
you
anymore.

not much time to write

Not much time to write today
munching on apple chips and Immunity water that leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. slipping off my clearance rack golden shoes because they are one size too small and squeezing the life out of my wide Hobbit feet. Just read an e mail from my blonde goddess inspiration. i miss her and love her and long to hug her. that day will come.
last night i didnt even need those herbal supplements to fall asleep. i spread lavender lotion over my dry hands and slid between my rust colored sheets. i smiled before i fell asleep and woke up early with a craving for lemon frosting. i have been talking to him little by little, but i have abandoned those homecoming dreams. i have let go of red dresses and expensive dinners downtown. i don't need it. i really don't.
first bell we talked about middle school pop songs and how underneath those pretty pink lips all girls are evil. they will three way call you, tell your best friend your a lesbian, make fun of your plaid skirt from L L Bean. they will love you and leave you and take all your secrets with them. they will be your best friend and your worst enemy.beware my darling when you surrender your intimate fantasties and hidden desires. they will slander your name if you let them get to close and thank God i am not a girl like this. thank God my best friend is not tainted by that middle school bull shit. the drama that holds high schools together and tears relationships apart. the crying in the bathroom stall and slamming of yellow lockers. i didn't live all those tragedies we read about in first bell and my heart goes out to those thirteen year old girls with orange foundation and stubby nails. the ones walking alone and exposing their stomachs. straightening their hair until it is brittle and straw like and even then the flawless faced bitches won't let her sit with them. i'm ranting and raving about a world i already lived through but all those articles about 7th grade catastrophe made me want to rewind and help those lonely hearts.

Achings.

Every day a new ache.
an ache to hold you ache to be rid of you ache to slap you and kiss you and forget you. ache to find new songs to play over and over on the way to school. i am tired of this worn out soundtrack, sad angry melodies and chorus's that swim around in my head until third bell when i laugh them all away. You start college today and I know i shouldn't but I'm thinking about you. Wondering if that new world will change you. Wondering who will sit next to you, what you will learn, where your life will take you when i finally find the strength to say goodbye and refuse to be a part of it. I have talked to girls who loved boys like you. Girls who got sucked into a universe where space and time and boundaries cease to exist because of a pair of brown promising eyes. Girls who cry in their dimly lit rooms and don't even want to call their best friend because they wish they were over you.Girls that hold on because it is so much easier to accept that 'i love you' at the end of the day than it is to break free and find someone that treats them with all the sweetness they deserve.
It is so much easier to pretend that his lips don't taste like unsaid words.
It is so much easier to let him slip a corsage around my wrist and slow dance the night away like we planned. But in the end i will be dizzy with too many disturbing deceptions whispered in the name of what we wished was love. And yes, i do still love you. but i will not be one of those girls for much longer. i will buy ice cold yohoos for blonde haired football players who are becoming my best buds again.i will get smoothies with my beautiful friends and start to love my body again. you claim to LOVE me, but if you loved me you would make goodbye easy. you would stay out of my life because it is much too hard for me to let you go when you keep calling and reminding me of those summer nights. you would hug me for the last time and let me find the passion that i deserve but i am bracing myself for angry words and bitter phone calls. i am getting ready for hell but after it's over darling i will walk confidently into the heaven only a single seveteen year old girl knows the secrets to. I will let my wings grow back and soar far away from all of this earth shattering emotion. These feelings are not wrong- they are just human. So I will let myself feel this pain,
but baby I'd be a fool to make myself suffer over you.
I talked to her on the phone for an hour last night and it's tragic but at least we can share these heartaches together. at least we are only a seven digit number away. at least i can nod understandingly while she cries and send her hugs from my faraway forest home. these disasterous boys will bring us together. <3

baby it's for good.

That peaceful sunday evaporated after i called you. i shouldnt have waited until the stars were so bright and the house was so quiet and i was all alone in my room. i shoulndt have dialed your number with so many expectations. i shouldn't have dialed your number at all.
before i talked to you my blonde haired prom date called me. a beautiful blast from the past and everytime i hear his voice i can breathe again. a whole summer escaped from us and i havent eaten thai food with him in far too long but laughing with him is natural.
i spilled my secrets and you lost your temper. yelling at me until you started coughing and couldn't stop. making me curl up in guilt on my purple bedspread and pull the long sleeves of your sweatshirt accross my body. hugging myself because in that moment i was the only one who could.
yes, i kissed him. a small sin compared to your nights of mayhem and forgetting to call but the tone of your voice gave me goosebumps and a craving for tea. you told me you were starting to love me again.
too bad.
you said we would work it out
you would give me a second chance,
well guess what
you can keep your second chance.
im not crawling back to you-
begging for forgiveness. we weren't even together so what my lips do on their friday nights is far from your testosterone driven concern.
i'm not going to let you hold that over my head
paint me insignifigant
reminding me of my mistake every time i leave your side. not answering my questions. hanging up on me.
you don't make me feel beautiful.special.talented.unique.appreciated.respected.orloved.
so tell me why i should answer when your ring tone fills my basement. tell me why i should text you back.give me one good reason not to rip up all those pictures of us when my teethe were so white and i believed every word out of those thin freckled lips.
i'm not listening to all those country songs that made me believe i loved you anymore.
i'm not holding onto a pretty couple. their love faded in august.
and the truth is
i fucked up once. i ran back to you. i could pretend it was because i believed you were sorry but the fact of it is that i was scared of how i felt when you weren't holding me. i needed to be needed.
i don't need anymore.
i have everything i need.
and this time when i say goodbye,
baby it's for good.

smells like fall

Laying on my back in the grass on this quiet Sunday afternoon.a Red ant bites me on my stomach and i flick it off before i hang up the phone with my long haired step sister. she is beautiful and free spirited and i miss her bubbly laugh. i miss her rap music.
friday night was long and smelled like fall. his backyard was filled with shaggy headed strangers with bad breath and a love of alternative bands. there were no cheese cubes like he said but the band was good and this house brings back so many memories. buck toothed me in an awkward one piece. diving into their crisp pool and trying to suck in a pudgy chocolate pudding stomach.i have had a crush on him since we were 5 and i was sleeping beauty. he kissed me softly on the lips and his strawberry blonde hair fell in freckled blue-green eyes. he had a hat covored in pins from australia and dave&busters. he was in the room when i was born and stopped talking to me when we hit puberty. things changed and our smiles hid all those uncomfortable recollections about easier times. when he was a prince and i was his princess. now here we are again and high school has made our smiles sloppy. he kissed me and after i let him i pulled away because too many thoughts of you were threatening to swallow me whole. too many thoughts of how you called me last night sounding so sick and sad. too many thoughts of us at homecoming and me in a red dress. and even if i didnt have these stupid fantasies about being with you this is not what i want. you will regret that kiss tommorow.
waking up saturday morning with a craving for cold pizza and a million pictures to download. the day dragged on and on while i cleaned the bathroom and played around with photoshop. later that night family came by and oh how i longed to make them laugh and play hillbilly golf with them- smile in their pictures and show how much i care. but my head hurts too bad and my eyes are foggy with insomnia. i fell asleep on our leather couch but an hour later my mom was waking me up to eat chicken dumplings and apple pie. God bless america. Around one in the morning my body surrendered to sleep after i lit inscense and re-read a british novel about an edgy motherless rock n roll bitch. i have no plans for today. no agenda. nothing to look forward to or dread. it is just a day. a gorgeous, slow sunday.
and all too soon it will be monday morning.