not much time to write

Not much time to write today
munching on apple chips and Immunity water that leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. slipping off my clearance rack golden shoes because they are one size too small and squeezing the life out of my wide Hobbit feet. Just read an e mail from my blonde goddess inspiration. i miss her and love her and long to hug her. that day will come.
last night i didnt even need those herbal supplements to fall asleep. i spread lavender lotion over my dry hands and slid between my rust colored sheets. i smiled before i fell asleep and woke up early with a craving for lemon frosting. i have been talking to him little by little, but i have abandoned those homecoming dreams. i have let go of red dresses and expensive dinners downtown. i don't need it. i really don't.
first bell we talked about middle school pop songs and how underneath those pretty pink lips all girls are evil. they will three way call you, tell your best friend your a lesbian, make fun of your plaid skirt from L L Bean. they will love you and leave you and take all your secrets with them. they will be your best friend and your worst enemy.beware my darling when you surrender your intimate fantasties and hidden desires. they will slander your name if you let them get to close and thank God i am not a girl like this. thank God my best friend is not tainted by that middle school bull shit. the drama that holds high schools together and tears relationships apart. the crying in the bathroom stall and slamming of yellow lockers. i didn't live all those tragedies we read about in first bell and my heart goes out to those thirteen year old girls with orange foundation and stubby nails. the ones walking alone and exposing their stomachs. straightening their hair until it is brittle and straw like and even then the flawless faced bitches won't let her sit with them. i'm ranting and raving about a world i already lived through but all those articles about 7th grade catastrophe made me want to rewind and help those lonely hearts.

Achings.

Every day a new ache.
an ache to hold you ache to be rid of you ache to slap you and kiss you and forget you. ache to find new songs to play over and over on the way to school. i am tired of this worn out soundtrack, sad angry melodies and chorus's that swim around in my head until third bell when i laugh them all away. You start college today and I know i shouldn't but I'm thinking about you. Wondering if that new world will change you. Wondering who will sit next to you, what you will learn, where your life will take you when i finally find the strength to say goodbye and refuse to be a part of it. I have talked to girls who loved boys like you. Girls who got sucked into a universe where space and time and boundaries cease to exist because of a pair of brown promising eyes. Girls who cry in their dimly lit rooms and don't even want to call their best friend because they wish they were over you.Girls that hold on because it is so much easier to accept that 'i love you' at the end of the day than it is to break free and find someone that treats them with all the sweetness they deserve.
It is so much easier to pretend that his lips don't taste like unsaid words.
It is so much easier to let him slip a corsage around my wrist and slow dance the night away like we planned. But in the end i will be dizzy with too many disturbing deceptions whispered in the name of what we wished was love. And yes, i do still love you. but i will not be one of those girls for much longer. i will buy ice cold yohoos for blonde haired football players who are becoming my best buds again.i will get smoothies with my beautiful friends and start to love my body again. you claim to LOVE me, but if you loved me you would make goodbye easy. you would stay out of my life because it is much too hard for me to let you go when you keep calling and reminding me of those summer nights. you would hug me for the last time and let me find the passion that i deserve but i am bracing myself for angry words and bitter phone calls. i am getting ready for hell but after it's over darling i will walk confidently into the heaven only a single seveteen year old girl knows the secrets to. I will let my wings grow back and soar far away from all of this earth shattering emotion. These feelings are not wrong- they are just human. So I will let myself feel this pain,
but baby I'd be a fool to make myself suffer over you.
I talked to her on the phone for an hour last night and it's tragic but at least we can share these heartaches together. at least we are only a seven digit number away. at least i can nod understandingly while she cries and send her hugs from my faraway forest home. these disasterous boys will bring us together. <3

baby it's for good.

That peaceful sunday evaporated after i called you. i shouldnt have waited until the stars were so bright and the house was so quiet and i was all alone in my room. i shoulndt have dialed your number with so many expectations. i shouldn't have dialed your number at all.
before i talked to you my blonde haired prom date called me. a beautiful blast from the past and everytime i hear his voice i can breathe again. a whole summer escaped from us and i havent eaten thai food with him in far too long but laughing with him is natural.
i spilled my secrets and you lost your temper. yelling at me until you started coughing and couldn't stop. making me curl up in guilt on my purple bedspread and pull the long sleeves of your sweatshirt accross my body. hugging myself because in that moment i was the only one who could.
yes, i kissed him. a small sin compared to your nights of mayhem and forgetting to call but the tone of your voice gave me goosebumps and a craving for tea. you told me you were starting to love me again.
too bad.
you said we would work it out
you would give me a second chance,
well guess what
you can keep your second chance.
im not crawling back to you-
begging for forgiveness. we weren't even together so what my lips do on their friday nights is far from your testosterone driven concern.
i'm not going to let you hold that over my head
paint me insignifigant
reminding me of my mistake every time i leave your side. not answering my questions. hanging up on me.
you don't make me feel beautiful.special.talented.unique.appreciated.respected.orloved.
so tell me why i should answer when your ring tone fills my basement. tell me why i should text you back.give me one good reason not to rip up all those pictures of us when my teethe were so white and i believed every word out of those thin freckled lips.
i'm not listening to all those country songs that made me believe i loved you anymore.
i'm not holding onto a pretty couple. their love faded in august.
and the truth is
i fucked up once. i ran back to you. i could pretend it was because i believed you were sorry but the fact of it is that i was scared of how i felt when you weren't holding me. i needed to be needed.
i don't need anymore.
i have everything i need.
and this time when i say goodbye,
baby it's for good.

smells like fall

Laying on my back in the grass on this quiet Sunday afternoon.a Red ant bites me on my stomach and i flick it off before i hang up the phone with my long haired step sister. she is beautiful and free spirited and i miss her bubbly laugh. i miss her rap music.
friday night was long and smelled like fall. his backyard was filled with shaggy headed strangers with bad breath and a love of alternative bands. there were no cheese cubes like he said but the band was good and this house brings back so many memories. buck toothed me in an awkward one piece. diving into their crisp pool and trying to suck in a pudgy chocolate pudding stomach.i have had a crush on him since we were 5 and i was sleeping beauty. he kissed me softly on the lips and his strawberry blonde hair fell in freckled blue-green eyes. he had a hat covored in pins from australia and dave&busters. he was in the room when i was born and stopped talking to me when we hit puberty. things changed and our smiles hid all those uncomfortable recollections about easier times. when he was a prince and i was his princess. now here we are again and high school has made our smiles sloppy. he kissed me and after i let him i pulled away because too many thoughts of you were threatening to swallow me whole. too many thoughts of how you called me last night sounding so sick and sad. too many thoughts of us at homecoming and me in a red dress. and even if i didnt have these stupid fantasies about being with you this is not what i want. you will regret that kiss tommorow.
waking up saturday morning with a craving for cold pizza and a million pictures to download. the day dragged on and on while i cleaned the bathroom and played around with photoshop. later that night family came by and oh how i longed to make them laugh and play hillbilly golf with them- smile in their pictures and show how much i care. but my head hurts too bad and my eyes are foggy with insomnia. i fell asleep on our leather couch but an hour later my mom was waking me up to eat chicken dumplings and apple pie. God bless america. Around one in the morning my body surrendered to sleep after i lit inscense and re-read a british novel about an edgy motherless rock n roll bitch. i have no plans for today. no agenda. nothing to look forward to or dread. it is just a day. a gorgeous, slow sunday.
and all too soon it will be monday morning.

TGIF

A thousand screaming high school students in white
and me and my best friend are wearing jet black tee shirts. Splashed in school spirit, pig tails, war paint, black bandana, beads. Beads. Beads.
This is our last year.
Our last chance to drink up all this Thursday night joy. Our boys looked so pretty in those green jerseys but the scoreboard didn’t lie and I’m sorry to say all the cheering in the world couldn’t save us now. But the stands are filled and the lights are bright while the sun sets and we all scream for the drum line. I take too many pictures of beautiful girls that walked straight out of a magazine and into my high school. I smile even though it’s hot and muggy and I feel bloated from all that spontaneous candy corn.
I didn’t call you all day. Didn’t text you to tell you I cared or ask how you were doing. My fingers were screaming for my cell phone but I shoved my anxious hands in my pockets and took deep breaths until thoughts of you drifted away. Eventually you came to me. Missing me. Wanting me. Telling me how pretty I was. I push away and you pull me back and we are stuck in this passionate tug-o-war and I honestly don’t see either of us coming out victorious. You told me you loved me and I told you the score of the game. Laugh to myself and finally fall asleep. This morning came far too quickly and even that blue energy drink could not bring life back into my eyes.Oh well,
Thank God It’s Friday. :)

so much more than you

Six AM alarm buzzing in my head as i brush pale pink blush onto my cheeks. I feel dizzy and pale and disoriented. Feeling my way around the bathroom but this churning in my stomach won't go away and even though these jeans she let me borrow fit just right i don't think ill be able to make it to school.
lying in bed watching Somethings Gotta Give and imagining what life will be like someday when I'm old. When my skin isn't smoothe and my laugh lines sink in. When my eyes sparkle with secerets that only come from extra years in the universe. I have decided I will laugh often, love loudly, grow my hair down to my waist. Blonde and grey waves with daiseys woven into that mess of luscious locks. I will shop at flea markets and tell stories. I will learn to play the piano and cook thai food for my neighbors. I will embrace every wrinkle time has painted on my face.
I always get sick on the truely beautiful days. Yesterday i went job hunting with a beautiful brunette and got interviewed for a resteraunt i would never eat at- let alone serve. A large woman with a hair lip and mini-fro asks me about my past experience and i can never picture myself in one of those turqious button downs. So i thank her for her time and buy him a slice of cheesecake. I lie sleepily on his shoulder and resist kissing him when he drops me off a half hour late. yes, i am getting stronger.
tonight he will go party at a club with his frineds and probably call to tell me about how much he loves me. tommorow he will mumble that he doesnt remember anything and make an excuse to hang up. i'm breaking this cycle before it starts again. i'm buying new CDs and stopping myself from sleeping in his oversized hollister sweatshirt. i'm breathing and living for this moment, not tonights or tommorows. a universe revolving around a pretty boy is a universe full of catastrophe and heartache and darling
i am living for so much more than you.

not writing you off just yet

Yesterday I wrote a novel for this blog.
I sat still and poured my heart out while pounding on my keyboard and sipping on a diet coke. I mindlessly spilled my secrets onto the internet. I did not hit save. I did not copy my words. I just hit enter and then sat in shock when my computer crashed. All those lovely lines lost forever. I could look at it as a tragedy but this is just one more chance to rewrite my history. Take a step back and breathe and look at the situation in a new state of mind. These words will not be the same ones I wrote yesterday. These will be the words of a girl wiser than she was 24 hours ago. Someone refreshed by a weekend of flirting with blue eyed boys working at green tea stands in the mall. Someone who walked on the pavilion in Mount Adams in high heeled cowgirl boots and a golden corset. Someone who had nightmares filled with Cameron Diaz and trips to Paris all last night but who feels stronger than she ever has.
That Friday lunch date did not go as I had planned. My stony silence did nothing to ease this aching heart and even though when you tried to hug me I pulled away in defiance I am talking until my lip gloss has lost its luster and my lips are chapped from too much honesty I swore I would never cover you in. You don’t deserve to know what I spend my days thinking about. You don’t deserve to sit there so beautifully. You don’t deserve one second of this awkward apology and yet somehow the way you’re blinking your eyes and looking at your freckled hands makes me think maybe you really are sorry.
The words your best friend told me during all those 4 hour phone conversations were lies. A well thought, gorgeous stab in the back. I believed him blindly because you hurt me once and I wanted to believe you were the monster all those angry teens write rock songs about. I drank up his elaborate stories about your mind games. I let them sing me to sleep and woke up with a soggy pillow case. I did not think to as you or her or them. I did not need a second opinion or proof.
And even though they were lies, there is one truth. When I was home you were with her and yes, I know you regret it. I know how sorry you are but sometimes
Sorry is not enough.
Sorry can’t make me trust you more. Can’t get you back all those friends you pushed away with your dizzy nights and eagerness to fight. Can’t take back the way you talked to your mom or the doors you slammed in the faces of people who adored you. Sorry is lovely but baby, it will take more than sorry to make me jump. We sat on the curb of my favorite Thai restaurant while you smoked a cigarette and blew angry smoke away from my face. Angry with yourself for you mistake, angry with him for his lies, angry with me because you know I wish I could love you like I did. You flick that death stick into the street and cradle your head in your hands. Your friends are far away and your mom is dying and you have no idea how I am longing to hold you. But those days are over. I can’t make the pain go away, only you can do that darling. But I will put my hand on your back and promise you better days. I will pop my gum and damnit I’m sorry but this is my confession.
He kissed me
And I kissed him back.
And I’m scared the faces of the people that love me enough to want to protect me will stare at me in disappointment. Shameful eyes casting glares at the still girl who lets her heart get the best of her. But please know that I am not blind anymore. I am not caught up in your lies like I once was. And if I kiss you again, you can be sure that if you give me a disaster like this summer again it will be the last time. You can be sure that I will not let you ignore my calls, blow me off, make me feel less that beautiful and loved and adored. Because I know I deserve that now.
I may give you a chance to prove yourself because I truly see something in you.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
And maybe ill be shamed but if I am I am walking away without looking back. I am closing the door on you and us and your countless apologies. I will feel for your pain and love you from afar but you can bet your ass I will put up walls to keep your brown eyes far from me.
But I’m not ready to close that door.
Not yet.
Because I have made mistakes too. Let people down. Lied. I am not evil. I am not a monster. I am a teenage girl.
I’m not letting you throw your arm around my shoulders and claim me as yours. But I’m not writing you off just yet.