days when i love the world.

This morning I cried into a chocolate birthday cake after the batter made messy art on the kitchen counter. I cried because I'm leaving him and her and them and I'm scared and excited and bloated and sometimes I dont feel beautiful enough to be in their family photos. I cried because I still can't sleep at night and my dog ate my retainer and as much as I want to change the world I'm still just sixteen damnit. I can't drive and my life dreams of being a famous performer are dimming fast. Flickering under a lampshade somewhere because too many people have laughed when I told them one day i would be a star. I don't want to sell myself to suburbia. I don't want to surrender to Ohio. This is not my kind of place to fall in love.
But while I'm here, I will love as deeply as I can. I will dream of downtown vintage stores and spicey food and acoustic guitars. I will write about the hobos and the gypsys and the dreamers. I will make magic wands for blonde haired girls who don't know how adored they are and decorate Altoids boxes with confetti stars and rose petals. I will covor this suburbia in glitter and wonder and magic.
I will bewitch myself with all this overlooked beauty. The beauty of the small things-
the grocery stores and hand holdings. The first kisses and denim overalls and muggy summer days when cookie dough ice cream has melted on some concrete sidewalk in the neighborhood down the street. The high school hell and prom songs and hugs from your grandpa when he gets home from Ireland and he smells like first class.
Or even the beauty of days like today. Days where I wake up and my sister is hugging my waste and the house is buzzing with Carol King and my birthday cake is a beautiful disaster. Days where he kisses me softly for what I'm terrified will be the last time before I fly away. Days where we walk hand in hand down a gravel road next to an old convent and the sun sets and the wind blows and for one moment i know exactly how blue my eyes are. Days where I have so much ahead and so much behind and so much right now right here that I can hardly breathe.
Days when I love the world.

I fear hitch-hikers, blue eyes, and promises. Deserted movie theaters and bad fathers. Lonely winter nights when the hallways are creaking and you can't see out your window. Pale passionless faces and wedding vows.

Love is my enemy. I hate love and I love love and I have willingly given far too much of my heart to that twofaced emotion that promises eternity and leaves you with NOTHING.

My worst subjects are Handling Hearts and Standing Up for Myself 101. I am failing miserably though i enrolled myself in both of these classes. I enlisted in desperate hopes of becoming strong.

My teachers are middle aged hippies, a homosexual with a crown on her head and art spilling from her fingers, blonde haired heroine who slays vampires on day time TV, round bellied buddha with a childs smile. They educate me through heartache and adventure and meditation. They they hold my hand when the world collapses.

I feed my mind with Kashi bars, green tea, pad thai, chocolate covored raisins, and strawberry smoothies.

My universe is coral colored with flashes of yellow and orange that ignite nights when the stars refuse to shine.

This is a glimpse of my world,

---> these are pieces of my TRUTH.

While I watched my sweat drip on an overpriced elliptical machine you texted me. Reminded me of Moulin Rouge duets and all those times i promised to teach you to meditate. Forced me to run until i was gasping for breath and i still could not escape you.

So i admitted I missed you and told you goodbye. I crouched on a sunlit curbside in silver aviators and cutoff shorts and waited for something better to come and drive me away from your dizzy dreamland that couldnt last.

Funny how I fall for boys with sick dogs and a passion for thai food. This new song singer took me to an ethnic hideaway with blue shutters and butterscotch mints. He told me he wants to take care of me and make me happy but I'm not ready to believe him.

Not yet.

He tries to touch my unshaven legs and tells me I intimidate him from behind my brown glasses.

He honks at strangers and plays his music too loud.

He is just as tattered as I am. <3

I am more than content

Weeks and weeks since my last post and I'm sitting here feeling bloated in my sisters flannel pants- missing four rings from my hand that i accidentally left at his house that chaotic morning. It's strange to tell someone i love them again.

It's even stranger to mean it.

Fireworks lit up a summer sky right before the thunder cracked and I was sitting in a luke warm hot tub with three sisters i used to know so well. I am falling back into their world because part of me belongs there. We will fly to Hawaii with ipods full of new music and I will wave goodbye to my brown haired free style rapping boy toy and ask him to forgive me when I miss his birthday. I promise to help him blow out his candles after I have hulah danced on tourist beaches and laughed out loud in an island oasis.

I wish i had more to write but for now I can only tell you that this summer has brought me bittersweet independance and sloppy kisses that taste like BBQ sauce. It has brought me a freezing bedroom in the basement draped in silk scarves and army letters and a punishment i deserve. I lied to spend a night in those arms. To pretend I was a patriot and watch Star Wars with a hollister wearing college boy on the fourth of July. I lied and now I can't see those big brown eyes for weeks but i have countless seasons of Buffy on DVD to pass the time. I have a puppy who licks my cheek in the morning and a mother who steals my CDs and makes me chai tea when i need it the most. I have a best friend who knows all my favorite songs and who can sing them more in key than I ever will. I have a brother who hugs me tight around the waist and cries when i try to break away,

a sister i can tickle at midnight,

a free spirit no one will ever tie down.

I am more than content-

I am joyful.