Too Far Gone

The sad thing is
Yesterday I spent hours convincing myself you deserved a second chance. You were sorry. You meant every word of that e mail you sent me at two in the morning.
I was wrong.
I spent hours lying to myself and the people that love me for the sake of avoiding the pain of losing you. But I don’t feel pain now. I think of all the times you touched me and it burns my skin because I now know where your hands had been before I got dropped off at your house. I know whose pony tail was on your wrist next to mine. Some sixteen year old brunette across the street and if I didn’t love life so much I might just be sick. I was ready to meet you on Friday at our favorite pizza place. I was ready to sit across from you and color you purple with forgiveness. I was ready to let you hold me again like you told me you dreamed about. Your dreams are my nightmares. Swearing you loved me while you snuck around with your junior high sweetheart who lied to you too many times to count. I called and told you pizza was off. I don’t want to see you. I don’t want to hear your voice- mumbling apologies and whispering I love you’s and searching for some redemption from a seventeen year old girl you can’t save you. You took advantage of my forgiveness, of my honesty, my easy going love I gave without question. I was there when your college dreams collapsed. I was there when the people you loved left. I stayed behind. I surrendered my summer. But I am not your savior. My forgiveness will not get rid of that guilt. You will have to lie in bed and think about what you lost. I will be sleeping soundly to James Taylor lullabies and Elton John records. I will be spending weekends at festivals. I will be tasting all that freedom again and licking my lips for more because I am rid of your head games. “Dude, I’m just messing with her mind.”
You can’t touch me anymore.
I’m too far gone.

Radiating Love

It’s a new day. My blonde hair is no longer short and choppy and hopeless. Thanks to birthday money and luscious extensions I can flip these long locks over my shoulder and brush them with a passion I forgot I had. Ha. Girls and their hair<3
Yesterday I tried to heal while reading a Buddhist manual for spiritual revolutionaries. I lie on my tummy in a well lit courtyard with an expensive fountain and read about forgiveness, the eightfold path, the four noble truths, cleansing my soul and body and mind and radiating love out into the world. All morning I have been radiating love while I sip this French vanilla coffee that burns my tongue and warms my hands. All morning I have been forgiving you while I close my eyes and breathe deep and count to ten and feel all that suffering fade away. Pain is real,
But I made myself suffer.
I made myself suffer when I put my head on my desk and thought of our first kiss and then our last one. I made myself suffer when I searched the computer frantically with lovesick fingers on the keyboard and forced myself to look at pictures of us before we were broken. I made myself suffer when I refused to see that it is out of my control. Pain may come and go, ease in and out of my universe but I will not avoid it. I will not shut it out or fight it off. I will embrace it, I will love this fucked up human reality of pain because when the pain is gone I am left with confidence and the power of knowing I did not sink to your level. I did not use your secret torments you whispered in my ear late at night when the crickets were outside your window and your friend’s cigarette smoke was filling up your car. I did not lash out at you with blood red words and a mouth full of profanity.
And I forgive you. I forgive you. I forgive you. When you call my best friends and beg for forgiveness they will probably hang up on your monotone mumbling frat boy voice. They will shake their heads and tell me to move on and believe me I will. But I will give you a chance to apologize to my face. To look at me and attempt to shower me in all the sincerity a 19 year old boy is capable of. I will sit across from you and stare you dead in the eye when I tell you that I will not bring you happiness. I will bring you phone calls and butterfly kisses and wrestling in your basement. I will bring you someone to make fun of and tickle and confide in. But until you find out who you are, until you forgive that girl you loved for four years before you even knew my name, until you let go of all that anger that’s flooding your brown eyes and making your fists clench into a tight ball- you will not know happiness. Not with me-
Not with anyone.
And as much as you hurt me darling,
I’m still radiating love.
I want you to be happy.

my favorite duet partner && the greatest tragedy

This is the greatest tragedy
Tired eyes and scarred arms on a Monday morning
Steaming tears on a tile floor and not enough words to clean up that blood
Apologies slipping through unpolished fingers and flying into the deep blue silence
Vibrating in open mouths and shaking you to the core
She will wear long sleeves and softly kiss the boys who stroke her heart with bad intentions
Hate herself for loving too thickly and pour salt in her wounds until the sting makes her smile
No remedy can heal how deep those cuts go
This is the greatest tragedy
Crimson lips selling artificial love on a glossy 8x10
Blue eyes lined with regret and a beautiful girl getting lost in the lies her mirror whispers
The fairest of them all is falling into a generation of misplaced Cinderella’s
And those snow white cheeks are tanned to tainted perfection
That billboard body’s a bullshit body but her limbs ache for that airbrushed happiness to sweep across soft pink flesh
Desperate for something only the flash of a camera can ignite
Her smile frozen forever but behind that blissful grin are throbbing memories buried amidst lovely deceptions
This is the greatest tragedy
Liquid sin robbing the innocence from her eyes in a hot basement
Bitter taste on the tip of her tongue and that southern accent is thicker than ever
Hungry boys with popped collars and bad breath reaching for something those fingertips can barely brush
Empty bottles and smoky promises but in the morning their bodies ache with blurry regrets and their childhood lullabies are light-years away
This is the greatest tragedy
Silky words given to a boy who would love her like lightening
A fragile heart beating in his open hand
When that summer fades into golden leaves and three ring binders those thick fingers close around it until the beating stops
And she forgets how to love
Wasted songs and poison kisses
Oh how he adored that blonde hair but her poetry meant nothing
This is the greatest tragedy
A fathers heaving sobs echoing in pierced ears years after the tears have been dried
His baby rocking that man back and forth
I forgive you. I forgive you.
Hiding wet eyes in his worn Abercrombie polo
Be strong, hold him tight.
Maybe tomorrow those songs won’t make him think of pretty women and sleepless nights
This is the greatest tragedy
A broken goddess tied down by a prince charming nobody asked for

She cried into those wedding vows but the bells were haunting
Nothing but a sarcastic savior in a silent house
And while she slept he stole her rock n roll
Hid it in his favorite bottle of wine
drank it as she sketched her dreamland behind diamond eyelids
Someday I will learn to love him
This is the greatest tragedy
Naked honesty typed with unpainted fingers on a black Dell desktop
The truth of a sixteen year old girl screaming to be heard
Aching to be acknowledged
She’s painting it out on a dirty canvas for your judgmental eyes and praying you will love her anyways

Insomniac attack

Three AM again and insomnia is winning, tired of battling with stiff sheets and creaking floorboards
this computer is my neon escape from open eyed nightmares and shoving my face with hawaiin chocolates hidden under the stove in the kitchen
theres a man that lives next door who stands in the street naked and peeks through open blinds
i see him in his truck in the mornings and his green eyes give me goodbumps because that is the kind of world that we live in
lost naked men in the middle of the road. i dont know weather to laugh or cover the eyes of every child I've ever loved.
I want more than anything to fall asleep and dream of a revolution.