candy corn tummy ache

It has been so long since my last post.
Days have passed and my hair has grown and I have new favorite songs. Homecoming is in two days and my arms are tanned and silky and my stomach is full of candy corn. For some reason I can't seem to pass the purple bowl without grabbing two handfuls of edible pre-halloween joy. they leave me with cramps and regrets and soon i will do crunches on my cold bathroom floor
but oh, they taste so good.
Since my last post I have seen him,
and waved him away. I have thrown his sweatshirt into his glistening car window and avoided that gaze as I slammed the door to my best friends car and ajusted my Buddha tee shirt. Thank God my eyes looked blue that day. You threated me and texted me pictures of the money you owed me. "This is the closest you'll ever get to it."
Real classy,
grow up.
And now I have met new boys. Green eyed charmers with cheesy pickup lines that work at the mall. Dreadlocked band members singing in a window downtown. Spikey Haired Seniors who just got their braces off and love tacos. Broad chested skater boys who think I'm funny.
And still you call.
And still you text.
And last night i finally let your voice fill my phone.
I let you apologize. I let you promise me roses I will never smell. I let you ask about school, family, friends. I did not let you into my heart. I did not spill my emotions over a static phone line like i am so accustomed to doing when it comes to you. I gave you no rope to hold onto after you jumped into the light blue abyss of honesty and emotions. i let you say how you felt, acknowledged your guilt, and moved on. I politely loved you, with the kind of heart that has been used and recycled and reproduced stronger and thicker and worthy of someone more devoted than you.
And my fuzzy headed rebel boy worries that it has begun again. Worries I am as weak as I used to be, as susceptible to lovely promises and hazy apologies. He worries you will win me over with thai food and Guster. He worries I will fall back into you and that disaster that made my summer beautiful. I convinced him at 4:30 this morning that I am not his fool anymore. Before I hopped in the shower he texted me to tell me i was right,
i am strong.
i am smart.
i am independant.
and i do not
need
you
anymore.