days when i love the world.

This morning I cried into a chocolate birthday cake after the batter made messy art on the kitchen counter. I cried because I'm leaving him and her and them and I'm scared and excited and bloated and sometimes I dont feel beautiful enough to be in their family photos. I cried because I still can't sleep at night and my dog ate my retainer and as much as I want to change the world I'm still just sixteen damnit. I can't drive and my life dreams of being a famous performer are dimming fast. Flickering under a lampshade somewhere because too many people have laughed when I told them one day i would be a star. I don't want to sell myself to suburbia. I don't want to surrender to Ohio. This is not my kind of place to fall in love.
But while I'm here, I will love as deeply as I can. I will dream of downtown vintage stores and spicey food and acoustic guitars. I will write about the hobos and the gypsys and the dreamers. I will make magic wands for blonde haired girls who don't know how adored they are and decorate Altoids boxes with confetti stars and rose petals. I will covor this suburbia in glitter and wonder and magic.
I will bewitch myself with all this overlooked beauty. The beauty of the small things-
the grocery stores and hand holdings. The first kisses and denim overalls and muggy summer days when cookie dough ice cream has melted on some concrete sidewalk in the neighborhood down the street. The high school hell and prom songs and hugs from your grandpa when he gets home from Ireland and he smells like first class.
Or even the beauty of days like today. Days where I wake up and my sister is hugging my waste and the house is buzzing with Carol King and my birthday cake is a beautiful disaster. Days where he kisses me softly for what I'm terrified will be the last time before I fly away. Days where we walk hand in hand down a gravel road next to an old convent and the sun sets and the wind blows and for one moment i know exactly how blue my eyes are. Days where I have so much ahead and so much behind and so much right now right here that I can hardly breathe.
Days when I love the world.