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college realities

I spent today shopping for zebra bedspreads and sunny shower curtains with two beautiful brunettes that have the same smile and my cheery eyed dream interpreting goddess mom. we ate meatballs and swedish fish and hugged when it was over, but oh
it hasn't even really started.
in less than a month all these college fantasies will become a reality and as I walked through my hippie paradise of a room I touched all the tiny things I might have to leave behind because there is no room for them in my new world- the Indian Cupboard i begged my grandma to buy me and covered with plastic pearls and glitter, the tiny tin bucket with the vines weaving around the handle my mom gave to me at our sacred gathering, the old battered Rent, Beatles, and Madonna posters that have watched me journal and cry and dream countless times from their home on my wall. I think of all the treasures from my childhood that don't belong in this black and pink haven that will soon feel like home- and something inside of me collapses with the realness of it all. something in me is scared and anxious and aching for her mommy and her phsycotic dog.
Today was the first time I've seen you since I felt naseus in your car and spent a sleepless night in my sisters bed. We bickered and kissed and fell back into this easy routine of loving eachother that feels like it started years ago.
hard to believe it was only last summer.

18 years old

my 18th birthday has come and gone and with it it brought yellow punch buggie pinyatas, lip staining sloppy joes, scrapbook pages created by the hands of the most beautiful girls i have ever seen, poems from my mother that made me cry and want to cradle my 18 year old body in her arms again, singing cards promising tropical vacations from this bland Ohio landscape, tye die balloons screaming GROOVY, pictures with ancient nuns who smile with their eyes and prefer dogs over children, and sweet smelling vintage perfume that will be the scent wrapped around my wrists the first days that i walk into this new college world.
i was nervous when you gushed about the scavenger hunt and Get To Know Mallory games my friends would be playing but you gave me the best birthday party ever in our magical backyard and made me rememmber that i'm never too old to bask in all my innocence. After all, I'm only 18
I have my whole life to grow up.
I clapped my hands when i saw that tree trunk you personalized just for me. our initials carved into the thick wood look like they've been there forever and smile at me every morning when the sun rises and shines it's jubilant light on those letters. MD+MM, and a jagged heart enclosing us together. The best birthday present you could've given me and it cost NOTHING.

i felt infinite

last saturday i saw sisterhood of the traveling pants with my pink lipped grandma and my favorite workout-aholic. we laughed when her wrinkled eyelids drifted shut before the previews were over and ate our low calorie popcorn we snuck in our purses. watching those four best friends on the screen took me back to days when i thought best friends were forever. maybe they are. maybe we will come back to eachother and realize all the times we have missed out on, realize that our laughs still sound the same. but for now we all look at pictures from those crazy sophmore nights when we wore red lipstick and war paint under our innocent eyes and we yearn for something we never realized we were leaving behind. we yearn for the memories that have become pictures that we look back at on sunny days when the house is quiet and we feel loneliness in every corner of our minds. we have all spun off in different directions but i have faith in best friends and boomerangs,
they will always come back.
after the movie i let those tight french braids my sister wove into my scalp that morning unravel and go wild. my hair was a jungle of corn colored waves and i let it hang while i put coral colored chanel lip gloss on my lips and waited for two blue eyed blondies to pick me up. we sped off to your house and oh that august wind felt so good on my face. the festival that night was a blur of pretty girls and drunk old men and funnel cake sugar sticking to the corners of my mouth. we laughed and posed for pictures and in the end i had to lay down on the pavement and look at the stars because all those stands and rides and voices were overwhelming.
later that week when the concerts were done and the festivals were over we drove around in your car and pretended we had a destination. we didn't. we were driving to nowhere and i know it sounds dumb but when you turned dave matthews on and put the windows down and rubbed your thumb over my hand,
i felt infinite.

Somebody's Hero

watching Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants with my sister while the sun shines through the cracks in our closed blinds and mu stomach tosses and turns the chicken dumplings i downed a half hour ago. this summer is dragging on and on but at least the nightmares have stopped and i can sleep again. I guess i was dragging around all this bad energy but once that floral pant wearing artist put her magic hands on me i was centered again.
yesterday we ran accross car filled roads, dodging trucks filled with trashy hicks who hollered at me out the window and honked with dirty fingers. they don't see me- just a tall blonde in a tank top. they aren't close enough to see the blue eyes, peace sign necklace, dreams of european cafe's and 18th birthdays. they don't see an artist, a girlfriend, a daughter, a dreamer. they see a piece of ass. sometimes this world makes me sick. open your eyes all you gritty truck drivers of america, that seventeen year old you honked at is so much more than another girl to honk at.
you held my hand even though i was dripping sweat and my toes were still caked with dirt from the soggy lawn at the Dave Matthews concert. we found refuge in Barnes n Noble while you flipped through UFC magazines and I looked at glossy pictures of toned perfection. 31 moves to get your abs toned this summer. 20 foods to slim down. how about 100 reasons why i should put down this magazine and start loving myself in spite of the fact that I am so far from these starving beauties? that's what i should be reading. by the time we picked up your car from Pep Boys my purple eyeshadow was smudging and my head felt too heavy on my neck. thankfully, I had you to rest it on while we waited in traffic and your dad yelled at you to get your head out of your ass. we both laughed silently as the sun beat down on your adorable farmers tan. If my camera wasn't so heavy I'd be snapping pictures of us at that red light, but it is so the last time i felt my finger on that button was at my cousins birthday party. we filled three tables at Friday's and her strawberry blonde hair looked shinier than ever. Her blue eyes are so full of the world and when she looks at me I feel like i could actually be somebody's hero. When she reaches up for me to hold her,
I feel like I deserve to be looked at that way. I feel like I want to hold her forever.

snapshots of my summer

walking around the movie theatre as the sun set and made everything pink and blue and orange. this time of night the world turns into a hippie's tie dye dream and i snap pictures of the sky while I breathe in all this Ohio air and listen to the two supermodels on either side of me laugh. they are beautiful and geniuine and i know you think your arms look flabby but i promise you- they're not. pree teen boys with messy hair and cargo shorts whistle as we walk by and you say they probably got droppped off by their mommy. i laughed- until i rememmbered i had too.
Dinner at PF changs and goosebumps painted pictures on my tan arms while i tried to work those plastic chopsticks and watched that brown eyed beauty twist the ring around and around her fragile finger. too in love to take it off but much too free to wear it for eternity. so sure of herself in that polka dot dress- people are never what you expect them to be. she is so much more than just another pretty girl. after dinner you picked me up and i couldn't see that face i love because your windows are tinted too dark. twenty years old now and you still play your music so loud it makes the car shake, and catch slimey frogs on sunny days, and kiss me like it's the first time. these are just some of the reasons i love you. i know i told you to grow up but i don't know what i'd do if you lost that twinkle in your eye. i take it back. stay just like this forever. stay mine. we drove down windy roads until we reached his grandmas house. he lives there now with that blonde lifegaurd who makes me laugh so hard when i least expect it. she curled up on his couch while he demonstrated UFC moves and refused to make her macaroni. these nights seem so insifgnifigant but im writing them down because they are the tiny moments of summer i want to rememmber- the way i bury my head in the curve between your neck and your shoulder and breathe deep. sweat and cologne and sunflower seeds. these are the snapshots of my summer.

driving

my dad has a new house. and oh, it is beautiful
and gigantic
and bustling with dirt streaked construction workers
and barefoot little girls
and smart mouthed high schoolers
and bikini wearing college freshman drinking diet cokes and watching their skin turn browner and browner. laying on their backs on a smooth wooden dock. legs dangling in the man-made lake thats full of oversized bass and carp and a million other mysteries my boyfriend tried to catch on a pole for three hours last week. that freckly skin i love so much turned cherry red and burned against his blue armani shirt we bought for half price in new york. oh well, his eyes are still the same dark brown i lost myself in last summer.
today i drove to panera and ate salad for the first time. well, i didn't drive. these seventeen year old fingers have yet to grip a steering wheel and take a hold of all the freedom that a liscence brings. i am happy being stuck in the front seat, hand out the window and wind in my hair. I'm not in control, but I'm completely blissful. my 14 year old sister is already looking at cars, jeeps and lexus's and oh she is in such a hurry to grow up but she has no idea how beautiful she is. this will be her second year of high school and i watch her and the "Core Four" lounge by the neighborhood pool and giggle and share secrets. they think that it will last forever, how do i tell them that by graduation they may not even speak to eachother? that one may be pregnant, another an addict, another valedictorian? how do i tell them the world changes and so do the people in it, how do i remind them to love eachother regaurdless of who they all become? thats something i've learned recently. the people i used to devote my heart to somehow slipped right through my fingers. forgotten friends and broken promises and high school dances just passed us by and we speeded over them and called them bumps in the road but i don't want my friendships to be just another speed bump. i want to take my life by the wheel and drive on and keep all those forgotten loves in my car, fill up every seat with the people i have neglected or hurt. fill it up with the friendships of my childhood, the bonds that never break no matter how different the paths we drive down may be. i want to floor that car towards a future where we can all remember that this is LIFE,
and we are in it together.

Saturday Morning Surprise :)

thank you so much nici for giving me this award :) you actually inspired me again to not let this blog o' mine go to waste, cuz i forgot that there are actually some people who read it <3

Cinda's beautiful && creative blog

Sues Views because i love her beautiful photography

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Colors on My Mind for her photographic beauty and loving mothering <3


Bohemian Girl for her totally unique style and photos

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sweet sweet summer

i havent written in so long but this summer is so sweet and toxic and wonderfully fucked up it would be a crime not to capture in it poetry and run on scentences.

last night i danced around in a victorias seceret bikini and laughed. and laughed. and laughed. and when the night got too heavy and sleep took me over i dreamt of the way your omelets tasted two weeks ago when you cooked them just for me. this morning brought floppy microwave pancakes and a stupid fight with my brown haired boyfriend in the Wendys parking lot. i hung up on you and swore i woulndt call back but my fingers had a mind of thier own and i texted you for the next two hours. my fingers are a slave to my heart and my heart is a slave to you. but you know that by now. soon i will be meeting you for greek food and sweating my ass off in this peace sign baseball cap but it will be worth it when you kiss me on the forehead and tell me all is forgiven. by friday we will be on a plane to the city i will call my home one day and i can't wait to see the way the lights of times square reflect in your eyes. I can't wait to hold your hand and skip down the streets of New York. can't wait to eat ungodly hot dogs and steaming pad thai. can't wait to kiss you on the subway. i wish i could say you were as excited as me but the truth is you're not- now its your turn to be seduced by the big apple.

summer has turned my pasty skin into a golden brown. i've replaced shiney lip gloss with cherry flavored chapstick. it doesnt smear when i plant a big one on you after you catch a cicada or canon ball into the pool out back. my once blonde hair is even blonder. it shines in the Ohio sun and whips into my eyes when we cruise down the street with the windows down. now that its summer again you say my eyes are blue instead of grey.
i think your wrong
i think they were blue all along. <3

Worth The Ride

April is finally here and oh it is so different from the spring i blossomed in last year. When i was a Junior and the blonde haired Ken doll everyone adored so much painted on my window- asking me to prom in red letters with a heart by his name. I was short haired and tan and smiling every second because my teethe were no longer imprisoned by bitter tasting braces. I was fresh from quiet Idaho and bursting with poetry. I am still this girl. My hair is longer and my tan has faded but my poetry still flows and my heart beats to the same rythems. The only difference is that that blonde haired hypocrite is lightyears away from me now and yes, I cried last night when he told me to leave him the fuck alone but while my tears seeped into my pillow my beautiful boyfriend soothed me with white raggae rapping and quiet I Love You's. He let me cry until the Sudafed kicked in and I exploded into sleep.
I dreamed of our Spring Break. Of the way you smiled at me as we crossed the state line into Florida. Of the Ooohs and Aaaahs we whispered while we drove past our first palm tree. Of the six hundred twenty seven pictures i snapped of you and me and our painfully pretty friends that painted Panama twenty different shades of wild. I let my blonde hair flow loose under a cowboy hat that matched yours. We bought them at a cheap surf shop along with sleezy tee shirts and overpriced water bottles. When we kissed our straw hats collided and sang with scratchy bliss. Your lips were chapped and tasted like salt water and oh, I have never felt so head over heels. You picked out the black dress I wore to that expensive restaraunt. Stared at me until I felt like I was worth staring at. Held my hand while we walked those Panama streets and squeezed it at all the right moments. Our dinner was charming darling but you know I couldnt wait to go back to the room and throw on my gangsta hat. Slip my feet into your Timberlands and freestyle with your frineds. They are shaking their heads and laughing and you just hug my crazy body and tell me you think its cute I don't care what anyone thinks.
Why would I?
I already have everything I need.
But those Florida nights are miles from me now. We left them behind when we got lost on an endless Alabama road. It was the hottest day all week and the four of us were crammed into your Abercrombie smelling Audi- singing Lynard Skynard and Kenny Chesney, Backstreet Boys and Lil Wayne. Windows down, radio up, cowboy hats on, purple toenails bouncing in the breeze as they dangled out my window. Those sixteen hours were long baby,
but it was worth the ride.

Ready for Spring

The snow is melting and I'm thanking God because I'm tired of bundling up in all these mismatched layers. I'm ready to trade my thick, striped scarves for paisley ribbons and flip flops. I'm ready to sip on pink lemonade and lather my skin with coconut scented lotion. This is the spring that I am starved for.
Yesterday we played in the snow and you told me I bring out the kid in you. Blonde pigtails peeked out from under my red and black hat but by the time we made it inside my hair was soaked and my hat was lopsided. A 6 foot college boy made snow angels with me and his black dog named Lucy. It was beautiful and while I craved my camera it was so much easier to tackle you without that Sony in my hands. When our fingers were numb and our boots filled with snow we retreated to the warmth of your house and cooked hot chocolate. There were no marshmellows so we picked out hearts and stars and rainbows from your box of Lucky Charms.
Sitting on your plaid couch and watching Quinten Tarantino flicks. You'd never take me for a gory girl but oh how I love all that bloody action. After Death Proof and Planet Terror my eyes were growing heavy and my hot chocolate wasn't so hot. I count the freckles on your arms until I fall asleep and thank God you know just the right way to hug me because your basement is freezing and my socks are still drenched.
When you finally take me home I chew on minty melatonin and look at all the black n white pictures you took of us on my laptop. You trying desperatly to look like a hard ass. Me throwing peace signs and making fish faces. Both of us laughing. and laughing. and laughing.
I slept like a baby but my dreams were filled with nerf gun wars and cotton candy. Bizzare, I know. My dreams aren't better than my reality anymore. <3

Natural Disasters

Yesterday started out with fat free smoothies and pudding cups on the couch. I laid back in the recliner and watched the style network while everyone else went to school. I waited for snow and licked low cal pudding off my fingers and wiggled my toes in my fuzzy No-Slip red socks. When it finally started snowing a beautiful blonde that could be my sister picked me up and took me to get smoothies. Low fat strawberry goodness that wound up to be a mistake because i forgot my gloves and while it tastes like heaven coffee would have been so much warmer on this winter day. We avoided school and talked about love and beaches and high school bullshit until we snapped back to reality and looked at the clock. Second period was over and it was time to apply ourselves, time to admit there would be no snow day for these desperate spring-hungry seniors.
We took our time walking to class, stopping at lockers and shuffling our wet Ugg boots with ease. When we finally said goodbye I was alone and my footsteps echoed on the pastel colored tiles. This hallway will be swimming with teenagers in the middle of an identity crisis in a few minutes. It will smell like body odor and expensive perfume and fund raiser chocolate. It will be loud and hot and chaotic but for now it is mine. and it is quiet. and it is empty. and it smells like the shampoo at my grandmas house. so i will savor each footstep and swing my arms through that empty hall. All this lovely silence is only t.e.m.p.o.r.a.r.y.
Finally in forensics and for once I paid attention instead of doodling poetry on my hand. We talked about natural disasters and liability clauses and preventable deaths. We talked about tragedy like it was this distant faraway thing that could never touch us in our suburban fishbowl of safety. We are comfortable. We are invincible. We are untouchable. And deep down i think we all know,

that we are just fooling ourselves.

Tragedy can seep into the most clean cut universe and implode the most innocent hearts. Natural disasters happen naturally ANYWHERE. And while I will not live in ignorance I will also not live in fear. Because I believe in something bigger. something greater. something divine and nameless because my lips can't form a word for all that beauty. Something some call God, some call Love, all call upon when they are in need and on their knees and tired of desperation. Something not confined to religion, or country, or individual. Something that lives within each and every one of those confused looking sets of eyes i see day after day at my high school. It's that ease that overcomes me when I surrender to the world and know that everything is going to be alright. Everything is going to be as it should. Everything is out of my hands and that lack of control is a GLORIOUS thing. It means that all i have to do is
LIVE IN LOVE.
Nothing more. Nothing less.

After forensics the snow started to pour. Our world was coated in white and oh, it was so beautiful. But that beauty was bitter as we walked to our cars in that arctic parking lot. I couldn't breathe without swallowing snowflakes and your car door was frozen shut. I grabbed out with both hands and yanked on the handle until the ice cracked and snow fell onto my seat. We laughed and wiped it off. We drove and talked more about the scruffy faced loser every girl used to lust after. Now he is just another cocky ass hole heartbreaker and to tell you the truth
I'm not surprised.
It was only a matter of time before he realized you were too good for him. I just wish you could see it too. Stop wasting your brown eyes on someone who is blind.

On the drive home you tried to hit the breaks but the car wouldn't stop. Images flashed through my head, Alicia Keys videos about bloody loves saying goodbye in a hostpital bed and damn all that VH1 i watched this morning. I was texting my boyfriend while you were whispering "stop, stop, STOP" but we didn't stop and you could hear the crunch of metal on metal as we hit that SUV. You looked at me with an expression I've never seen before and I put my cell phone down. My hormonal boyfriend bitching came to a halt and I was suddenly filled with regret for the words i yelled at him while he sat in a college classroom. My screeching voice echoed through his phone and to tell you the truth
now i don't even remember what I was so upset about.
All my period bullshit became inconsequential and I was left with an utter appreciation for life and love and these are the mini natural disasters we avoid every day. The woman we hit was a long haired brunette but she only smiled and asked if we were okay. Thank Buddha for the friendly people still left in the world, I was anticipating furrowed brows and screaming about insurance. I'm glad I was wrong. <3

You and Your Penis Have It Easy

Right now I am sitting in bed with my legs crossed trying not to cry. I just got off the phone with you and the persons voice that should have soothed me the most only filled me with these murderous tears that are teetering so dangerously on the edges of my eyes. Last Saturday you told me that my eyes get greyer in the winter, but in the summer they are blue. I have been staring at myself in the mirror ever since in critical evaluation. No one wants winter eyes.
Today I am bloated and cranky and groggy and awful. My bad vibes are pulsing and waving and infecting everyone around me so it's safer to sit in this little room with the snow white lamp and pound away into my laptop- i don't want to spread this kind of miserable Wednesday virus around. Not even Hannah Montana in the minivan with my mom could help me today and I'm thinking it's time to meditate again. You will be here soon in your loud ass car with your death stick and your smart ass comments i usually adore but I am dreading today. I could snap at any minute because I am insecure and exhausted and just praying for someone to drench in all this menstrual depression. One wrong move and it could be you and I don't want to spend all next week apologizing for the thoughtless words my period brought me.
And oh, you are the lucky one. The broad chested love of mine who will never know the agony of changing a tampon or buckling over in choir because your cramps hurt too bad to hit the high notes. You will never know the overwhelming self doubt you feel when you have to suck in to fit into your favorite jeans because your stomach is busting with water and chocolate bars from your last emotional breakdown. No, you can sit back and laugh at me when I cry because of that final episode of Party of Five. You can call me whiney when I need you to offer to hold me more than anything in the world. Because that's all I need right now. Compassion, understanding, and hell, this may be stretching it, but maybe even a little bit of sympathy. Because honey, you and your penis,
YOU HAVE IT EASY.
You should be praising me for the hell that I skip through. I do not fall off the face of the planet when that special time of the month decides to grace me with its presence. I go to first bell at seven fifteen. I eat chicken fajitas with tan beauties and talk about spring break. I make websites and poetry and go to yoga classes at the gym. I live my life. I try to spread love.

And I do all of it while bleeding out of my vagina and smiling.
Now tell me
have YOU ever done that?


I didn't think so.
So before you start to rag on me for my slight bad moodiness,
look between your legs honey, and thank God you don't have a uterus.

escape from this winter

We got two days of beauty before the storm came again. Before the rains blew over Ohio and turned all our perfectly mowed lawns into brown puddles. Yesterday we drove with the windows down. I sat in the car with two beautiful girls and sang. and sang. and sang. I threw my hand out the window and felt the wind whip through all this dirty blonde hair. The sun was shining and my body was screaming for summer.
We ate chili and pretzels at McCalisters while we talked more about the scruffy faced asshole who broke her. He would trade three years for a pretty mouth in a pea coat and I'm sorry but you are pathetic. Now she is free and one day she will see that she is so much better off without you. The days to come will bring loneliness and I know all this Tuesday rain isn't helping but just wait darling. I promise
THERE WILL BE MORE SUNNY DAYS.
Just put on some Billy Joel and let the lullaby from your windshield whippers croon you off to sleep until spring decides to show it's lovely face again. Until you can laugh like you used to without wondering if he's with her. Until you can wear capris and flip flops. Heartache hurts so much less under the sunshine. <3
Days are dragging again. Last night we watched Dane Cook and ate pasta and I miss him everytime I hear his car drive away but oh, sleep is so wonderful and I'm drinking it up because I don't get nearly enough of it these days. I spent my day at school avoiding the art teacher with bags under her eyes and doodling on my hand. Writing reminders about keeping good karma on my wrist and yawning until the bell rings and I can go back to my grandmas for diet coke and Lifetime movies. I am more than ready to escape from this winter.

Knowing That I'm Right

This was a snowy week of loving you and sleeping in. We slid down ice covered roads to your sweet smelling car. Wore matching trucker hats and bought one dollar movies. The kind filled with busty blondes and bloody torcher scenes. The kind that gives you nightmares and makes you scared of the world.

The three of us sprawled out on your couch Thursday night. Ate cheese It's with Tobasco sauce until I fell asleep and woke up alone. You had tucked in my feet while I napped the day away so my toes didn't get cold. Me and your newfound best friend sloshed through the dirt covored snow while you were gone. Our hair was damp against our foreheads, our fingers jammed into our pockets, but we fought that bitter cold with warm conversatin and dreams of independance.

When you got home you cringed as I threw my wet body on your chest. I was soggy with snow, gorgeously disgusting. Smeared eyeliner on beige cheeks. A pink nose and unbrushed teethe. Hours from now I will be sparkling clean with a Crest white smile and leopard print sweater but for now I am a disaster and you love me anyways. You love me when I try to rap on youtube even though I'm white. Yu love me when my breath smells like BBQ. You love me when I lick my fingers in nice resteraunts and leave you 20 minute voicemails. YOu love me when I'm knocked down, fucked up, tired of the universe. When I'm a total nerd, a liberal minded hippie, an artist with ADD. You love me when I can't look in the mirror because I'm tired of my eyes, and just when I start to forget,
you remind me of how blue they are.
This is why I talk about you in Muliticultural Literature
and Entrepreneurs in Action
and Choir
and Math.

This is why I've traded knee high boots for tie dye sweatpants and a UC Tee shirt. This is why when blonde haired football players tell me you'll break my heart again I can tell them that they're wrong.
No amount of homemade calenders or late night facebook messages can thank you for that,
because nothing feels better than telling them they're wrong.
Nothing feels better than knowing that I'm right.

Skeptical Beauties

The girl sitting next to me wants a tattoo of a cherry blossom on her back and I'm jelous because I wish I'd thought of that. All I can dream of are peace signs and henna.
Long haired girl with high water and grey flannel socks stood in front of the class 40 minutes ago. She is the kind of girl my boyfriend would make fun of but the more I look at her the more beauty I see behind those brass rimmed glasses. She is hiding under layers of Goodwill clothes and selling candy bars to skinny bitches to raise money for anime club. She is brilliant but she stuttered through that 20 minute presentation about Japan. Her cheeks grew redder and redder and I wished she'd look at me so I could smile at her with my eyes. So I could send her golden rays of reassurance from accross this stoney morning classroom.
She is the kind of girl who never hears she's beautiful,
and if you tell her she'll only think you're lying.
God bless the skeptical beauties. They are walking tragedies I pass in the hall e.v.e.r.y.d.a.y.

I swore I would workout yesterday but I didn't. Instead I did someone elses final exam and ate three bowls of white chili. My brown eyed boyfriend rang the doorbell for the first time and I saw how firmly my stepdad shook his hand.
I geuss chilvary's making a comeback
Just in time<3

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fears of the future

It's almost midnight on a Tuesday and there are a million things I could be doing instead of sitting at this kitchen table pounding words onto my blog. Feeling my toes brush the cold tile of my grandmas condo. Licking calorie filled drops of chocolate ice cream off a tiny spoon and knowing I will regret it later.
I could be studying for exams. But of course that would be useless. These numbers have been drilled into my head for months and nothing's stuck. No, I'm not dumb. I'm actually pretty intelligent, but I can't stop my fingers from sketching peace signs on all those practice Tax Forms and Chapter Tests. I can't block out the poems streaming from my anxious pen when I should be watching pastel colored power points. I'm a hopeless dreamer and I'm praying this disease isn't fatal. This senioritis that has infected me quickly. College applications are scattered throughout my universe and I want to fill them all out perfectly but I feel much to young to answer these questions. I'm dying to be on my own, to make something of myself. To be a writer, a singer, a wish granting hippie a sight seeing gypsy a librarian who smiles with her eyes and smells like coffee. I'm aching for the world. All of it. Every inch of this pretty planet. I want to step out on my own but oh,
moving my feet seems so hard to do.
And the minutes are flying by and my eyelids are getting heavy with all this talk of the future
So I suppose it's time for me to surrender to dreams.
Tomorrow morning will come too soon and be too cold but still
i adore this reality. <3

A Familiar Voice

Tan knuckles knocked on an oak door in a suburban cul-de-sac. Marissa’s blue eyes glanced sideways into the mirror. She smiled; for once there was no brace-faced child staring back at her. She hardly recognized this young woman with silk gloves up to her elbows. She was a poet in a prom dress anticipating a night that would fill her hungry pen with inspiration.
“Marissa! For crying out loud!” her mother wailed, “He’s here,” her last word fading into an excited whisper.
“DAH! Okay, okay,” she hissed back. She briskly turned off the bathroom light and walked towards the steep stairs. She took a deep breath, paused, and lifted her red stiletto off the ground. Marissa descended the stairs, countless movie scenes running through her head. She prayed through parted ruby lips that when Nick saw her, he heard music.
At the foot of the stairs Nick stood patiently, foot tapping on the wooden floor and hands shoved in the pockets of his tux. When he heard the clicking of Marissa’s heels he looked up. For a moment she was suspended, gloved hand delicately resting on the stair rail. Silence filled the house as they stared at each other- sharing a stolen moment no photograph could capture or lyric could express. The spring rain fell softly and the universe applauded.
“SMILE!” her mother screeched, and it was gone. Their instant of mutual passion evaporated into a million prom pictures and stereotypical poses: his arm around her waist and her hand glued to his chest, her carefully pinning a fading white rose to his midnight tux, the two of them joined by and scattered amidst twenty tan friends while a whirlwind of eager parents rejoiced in digital camera bliss. They filled their Canons and Kodaks until everyone’s cheeks were sore with artificial happiness.
The two of them walked to the car silently. Nick held a plaid umbrella over her golden hair and opened the car door while Marissa slid in and kicked off her heels. She placed pedicured feet on the dashboard and threw her head back in relaxation. As Nick made his way to the driver’s seat, Marissa faded into deep thought. Visions of crowded dance floors and first kisses filled her mind until her shrill ring tone erupted in the peaceful silence.
“Heeeello?” Marissa chirped.
“Hey baby,” a familiar voice met her from the other end of the line. Too familiar. The last time she had heard that voice it had been a crystal winter, screaming words most would consider unforgivable. Screaming words meant to bring a sixteen year old girl to her knees.
“Hey daddy,” Marissa was quiet, a faint whisper in the humid spring heat. Her breaths were making tiny clouds of smoke on the rain covered window as she rested her forehead on its cold surface and dug her nails into the soft car seat.
“I…I miss you, Marissa. And I… I just wanted to call you and tell you to…” he was unable to finish. His words got stuck in his throat and the sound of a grown man crying chilled Marissa to the bone.
“…to have a good time at prom,” he finished. Marissa bit her lip and willed glistening tears to sink back into her heart where they belonged. Her eyes looked far too pretty lined with all that charcoal to spill tears for her father on prom night.
“Ok daddy,” she inhaled deeply and dabbed at the corner of her eyes with the tip of her gloves, “I will.”
“I love you Marissa.”
Silence.
“I love you too daddy…I love you too.”
The words tasted hot and bitter and she had been aching to speak them for far too long. She had not seen his face for months now. She had not been his baby girl for even longer.
With the click of a button Marissa ended the phone call that had filled her mind with foggy memories of a home she used to know. Of a father she used to make proud. Of a life she could no longer grasp no matter how far she reached or how beautiful she looked in that two hundred dollar gown. Nick reached over and wound his fingers around hers- she had completely forgotten he was there. He heard every word and suddenly she was drowning in a sea of embarrassment. When she looked at him his eyes showered her in understanding and she laughed in spite of herself.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah…”
She looked out the window and then turned to meet his eyes again,
“I am. I just… I didn’t see that coming you know?”
“I know. What did he want?”
“He wanted me to…” Marissa sniffled and released his hand so that she could wipe her eyes yet again. A sob exploded in her throat and her shoulders began to heave as she battled the sadness.
“It’s okay babe. It’s okay,” Nick stumbled over his words. He would have given anything to stop those tears. To erase that phone call. To rewind back to when she stood at the top of those stairs and he could have sworn he heard music.
“He wanted me to have a good time at prom.”
“Well,” a smile began to spread across Nick’s face and he reached over to Marissa. He grasped her chin with icy fingers and turned her blue eyes to meet his, “Then have a good time at prom.”

It's a rainy thursday and I'm missing you.
I had my camera charged and my favorite tie die shirt on but you were caught in traffic and i can hear your frineds rapping in the back seat of your car.
oh well
i had a headache anyways
these bobby pins i shoved into my scalp are starting to hurt and my stomach is cramping like a bitch. im regretting all the days i forgot to write because now the world will never know exactly how i fell back in love with you.
i don't really know how it happened either
promises of expensive dinners and that stupid Buckcherry song playing over and over and over
29 missed calls from you
christmas on it's way and you were all that i wanted
i need to stop worrying. stop being anxious and paranoid. stop reapplying lip gloss when im sitting in this condo alone watching lifetime and biting my nails.