Beautiful On Our Own

Biking again but this time there's green haired women in leopard print shorts and tatooed men holding brown snakes in wrinkled hands. The sun feels so good and for a single moment in time when I caught my reflection in a cafe window I was overwhelmed with peace. I could breathe. I could listen to the sounds around me and feel like I was part of something bigger than all these e mails from my mother. Usually I find that feeling when the car windows are down and Elton John is singing about some lovely tiny dancer. Or when im rolling around in the snow with an angel who brings me chocolate milkshakes when I cry in mango colored corners. Or when you dedicated Postal Service lyrics to me on crumpled paper and drew hearts by my name. I could have gotten lost in you when you played acoustic guitar on her plaid couch by the fire. That fall I fell for you in golden leaves and vintage trucks and sweaty concerts. Now I avoid your green eyes in the hall because those songs were nothing but pretty lies. You captured me with promises you couldn't keep.

Why oh why do we do this to ourselves? These high school romances that end in petty tears and meaningless pictures that make our knees ache when we look at them. Smiles frozen in time that we will never wear again but we still rememmber in the dark on lonely sunday nights and wonder if they think of us too. We are in love with love itself and most of us don't even know what that is. Movies, poems, articles in seventeen magazine painting a picture of something every girl wants to get lost in. But being lost inside love is not hallmark cards and daiseys on your doorstep. It's paranoia and jelousy and lies and insercurities. It's pretending to understand a feeling that could swallow us whole but oh, how we adore drinking up all that chaos <3 size="5">we are beautiful on our own. without a shaking hand to hold. without the smell of cologne on our vintage tees. It's an endless cycle and there's a whole world of lovely hearts to break.

Monday morning my parents will decide if I get to pack my things and fly away from these Idaho skies. If I get to see my best friends and finish the school year. If I get a second chance to make them proud again. Even if I go home she's scared he will break me down with sarcasm and a new jaguar convertible and his girlfriend who has taken the place of his children. I know I've let you down dad, but I would give anything to be your little girl again. I would give anything for you to hold me like you used to and sing off key Billy Joel lullabies. I would give anything for you to stop looking at me like I let you down.